Paying Back the Pirates
by OMS
Summary: Link's still paying her back, but there's a sudden bump in the road... um... sea. Whatever, just read and review. Preferably in that order. Belzon wouldn't want you writing some shining review of sparkly brilliance then changing your mind. New! Chapter 13
1. Payback

First, the disclaimer:  
Orpus and Belzon (brothers) have joined forces to form an authoring entity the likes of which has never been seen, but cannot call themselves Tenacious D, for that name is taken by a kickass band formed by the very embodiments of rock, Jack Black and Kyle Gass... but ignore that. And no, that ain't an ad. It is an opinion.  
  
Okay. Orpus and Belzon do in no way own any of the characters portrayed herein. Any and all similarities between these people, places, and events, and the corresponding factors in the real world are purely coincidence and will be ignored with extreme prejudice.  
  
Still, BO Studios does not own any characters portrayed here. Heck, we don't even own a copy of the game (Windwaker)! Or a Gamecube! We just play it at a friend's house!  
  
One final note: BO Studios is quite well-versed and experienced in all forms of fanfiction. Our favored writing style is that of the script format, as though it were a play. So shut up.  
  
-Shortly after saving Hyrule and all that stuff, Link takes a vacation to his private cabana in the middle of the sea, where he engages in his most favorite hobby in the whole wide world (other than running in really little circles): napping. Suddenly...  
  
Tetra: at the top of her little pirate-mistress lungs LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINK! GET YER PREMATURE SIDEBURNS ON THIS SHIP NOW!!!  
  
Link: falls off his little floaty pool mattress and swims frantically to the ladder They're called_eartails,_ you snotty pirate apothem! Whaddaya want?!  
  
Tetra: Do you even know what an apothem _is?_  
  
Link: Um... yeah. _You._  
  
Tetra: Get onboard now, we have business.  
  
-Later, Link, having dressed himself appropriately (i.e., pants), finds himself on the receiving end of a young blonde pirate mistress' glare.  
  
Link: What? Is there something on my face, or have you fallen for my devilishly good looks? wiggles eyebrows in a provocative manner  
  
Tetra: Shut the hell up. You're here because of a debt.  
  
Link: Cool, I get a prize? ;)  
  
Tetra: ºoº No you filthy urchin, because _you_ owe _me!!!_ (aside) Dear goddesses, what a perv...  
  
Link: What?! I done don't not owe no none a' you no nothin'! Nope!  
  
Nerd pirate: Wow, a septuple negative!  
  
Niko: Does that mean you do... owe some of us... something?  
  
Tetra: Only thing _you're_ owed, Niko, is a keel-haulin' for giving him all our stuff. That and a brisk butt kicking. Gonzo?  
  
Gonzo: Yes, miss?  
  
Tetra: You and Mungo go get the chain. After you've keel-hauled Niko, go fetch my butt kicking boots.  
  
Gonzo: But I just shined them. Bloodstains don't come out easy, you know...  
  
Tetra: I SAID DO IT!!!!  
  
Gonzo: Y-yes, ma'am! Come on, Mungo. grabs Mungo's leash and pulls him over to Niko, who has pissed himself like the little impure beaver that he is  
  
Niko: No, not the chain! ANYTHING BUT THE CHAIN!! tries to build a dam to block their path  
  
Mungo: Luuk, fluffy beevur mayk dam! crushes Niko  
  
Link: Whatever... well, I'm a very busy man, so I'd best be going. If Gramma don't know where I am, she gets gassy.  
  
Tetra: Oh no, you ain't leavin' til you've paid us back for what you've taken. Nerdo!  
  
Nerd pirate: I have a name, you know...  
  
Tetra: Yes yes, but the authors forgot it so I'll call you Nerdo.  
  
Nerdo: Oh...  
  
Tetra: Go get... very sinister the bucket.  
  
chorus: dun dun dunnn  
  
Nerdo: No, not... the _bucket!_  
  
chorus: dun dun dunnn  
  
Tetra: Would you assholes walk the plank already? pushes chorus off the plank into shark-infested waters  
  
chorus members: Dun! Dun dun! Dun! DUUUUUUUUN!!!  
  
Tetra: Okay, now where was I... oh, yeah! Get the bucket or I'll kill your family!  
  
Nerdo: I don't have a family.  
  
Tetra: points a pistol at his groin Ever want one?  
  
Nerdo: Oh, here's the bucket!  
  
Tetra: Good. hands bucket to Link You can start by scrubbing the main deck.  
  
Link: looks in bucket, sees only old cold soap-scum liquid Where's the brush?  
  
Tetra: You don't get a brush until you reach the rank 2nd class senior swabbie.  
  
Link: What rank am I?  
  
Tetra: Turd.  
  
Link: What?! After I saved your ass _twice?!  
  
_Tetra: Yes. If I'd neglected that, you'd be lower.  
  
Link: ...How low we talkin'?  
  
Tetra: Turdlet class F. You'd be swabbing with your tongue and taking orders from Niko's colostomy.  
  
Link: Ewwwwwwwww....................  
  
-Much later  
  
Tetra: HEY! What are you doing sitting at the table?  
  
Link: Me?  
  
Tetra: Crap, you're stupid... only first class swabbies can sit at the table!  
  
Gonzo: Awww...  
  
Tetra: ...And above, moron!  
  
-Not as much, but still later  
  
Tetra: about to change into her nightgown   
  
Tetra: ¬.¬ You're a turd, stupid. You don't get to sleep.  
  
Link: I know. I was just gonna watch.  
  
Tetra: O.O draws pistol and unleashes several rounds YOU SLIMY SCUMMY HEAP OF BLOODY BURNING RAT SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Link: Oh noes!  
  
-The next day  
  
Link: scraping deck with swollen hands _heuuuuuugh... _(think Godfather noises) _heuuuuuugh...  
  
_Gonzo: Ah. You've begun to swell. Don't worry, it'll go down with rest...  
  
Link: dry scratchy throat _hooraaaaay...  
  
_Gonzo: ...but _you_ won't be seeing any of that for _weeks!  
  
_Link: sob sob sob  
  
Tetra: Well, I see he hasn't been bleeding. He's up for promotion.  
  
Link: _hooraaaaay...  
_  
Tetra: You are hereby promoted to junior swabbie.  
  
Gonzo: ...and they'll be oozing with pus and snot! And then...  
  
Tetra: Gonzo, stop makin' him cry. That's Niko's job.  
  
Niko: Hooray!!!!!! You'll be lucky if you keep all your fingers, kid! And toes!  
  
Gonzo: ...and did I mention the parasites?  
  
Link: passes out  
  
Niko: DID I SAY YOU COULD SLEEP, YOU FILTHY WORM?!


	2. Laundry time!

Hi-ho! Yes we are putting up another chapter! In case you haven't noticed, I, Belzon, am typing this time! Woot!  
  
We here at BO Studios realize that we own nothing, and true ownership comes from knowing that you own nothing. Be that as it may, we still don't own anything mentioned within this chapter except for the chapter itself.  
  
Authors' note: All misspelled words are that way on purpose, i.e.,   
  
-Link wakes up laying on the deck, with the hideous visage of Niko screaming at him.  
  
Niko: HEY YOU FILTHY, SLIMY MAGGOT! YOU DON'T GET TO REST! YOU VACUOUS, TOFFEE-NOSED, MALODOROUS PERVERT!  
  
Link: I'm awake, you godforsaken worthless piece of butt sausage!  
  
Niko: runs away crying  
  
Gonzo: He made his superior cry!  
  
Tetra: Promotion.  
  
Link: Sweet.  
  
Tetra: Not really. You still don't get a brush; but on the good side, you don't have to swab the deck.  
  
Link: Hooray!  
  
Tetra: Now you go up to the bow and swab the jardines.  
  
Footnote: In the days of old, the crapper was located at the front of the ship, hence the modern nautical term the head instead of the bathroom. Originally just holes that overlooked the waves below, pirates nicknamed these crapholes the French word for   
  
Link: Do you mean _sar_dines? Those little bitty fishies? How in the heck'm I supposed to swab _those?!_  
  
Tetra: It's the head, you goon!  
  
Link: This is a boat, it ain't got a head! Well, _my_ boat had a head, anyways...  
  
Gonzo: She means the toilets.  
  
Link: YOU SICKO! Ugh! I'm supposed to swab _those_ with my _BARE HANDS?!_  
  
Tetra: Dear goddesses no! We're not _that_ cruel, we at least give you a stick.  
  
Link: receives his stick Whoopee...  
  
Tetra: Better not lose it, that's the only one we got.  
  
Link: ...I deplore you...  
  
-Now at the bow, Link begins to clean the jardines as best he can with his insipid stick.  
  
Link: Well, at least I have a stick...  
  
little fishy: jumps up and snatches the stick from his grasp  
  
Link: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!  
  
Gonzo: Hey there Lump. pulls down his pants and takes a jardine  
  
Link: Hey, I just cleaned that one!  
  
Gonzo: Yeah, and I couldn't appreciate that more. (quietly) I only use them when they're clean. It's been a week, too, so you may want to hold your nose and run.  
  
Link: Um... okay? runs to the poop deck  
  
Footnote: For those of you who don't know, the poop deck is the raised platform at the butt end of a ship.  
  
Mungo: Heeeeeeg! Skim milk is devil satan! Blow up fishys, make beevur into complete balanced breakfast!  
  
Nerdo: Oh no... Mungo's frisky today.  
  
Mungo: breaks out of chains BATHTUB SHITTER! MAKE FOSSIL POO PASTA!  
  
Link: What the whizz... no, NO! PUT ME DOWN! HELP HELP!!  
  
Mungo: HEEN! stuffs Link down pants MUNGO TOO SEXY FOR BOXES!   
  
Tetra: Someone, get the darts!  
  
Mungo: PEEPS POWER PANTS! YOUSE ALL IS BUMS!  
  
Tetra: aiming blowgun Hold still, you! fires  
  
Mungo: OUW! YOO ROOIND A PURFIKTLY GEWD BABY! AH YELL! passes out  
  
Gonzo: frees Link Are you okay?  
  
Link: Oh, yes, perfectly. I've just been SHOVED DOWN SOME FILTHY LUMMOX'S PANTS! HOW WOULD YOU FEEL?! SERIOUSLY, TELL ME, BECAUSE _I FEEL JUST FEKKIN' FINE! _shot with dart ow... passes out  
  
-a few hours later...  
  
Tetra: Hey stupid, get your ass up! dumps a bucket of fish on Link's face  
  
Link: AAGH I'M DROWNDING!... Um, hi.  
  
Tetra: We've spotted a ship and we're gonna sack it. Also, since you've survived Mungo's you've been promoted to powder monkey.  
  
Link: Does that mean I get access to your dressing room? ;)  
  
Tetra: clubs Link with her pistol No you dumb ass, you go fetch powder for the cannons! Get your ass to the storeroom and keep the artillery goin'!  
  
-some moments later...  
  
Gonzo: Oh good, the powder monkey's here! Did you get the stuff?  
  
Link: collapses under a heap of powder charges  
  
Gonzo: Damn he's a good powder monkey.  
  
Nerdo: Load the charge!  
  
Gonzo: Got it!  
  
Nerdo: Load the bomb!  
  
Niko: Got it!  
  
Nerdo: pricks the charge and inserts the fuse  
  
Tetra: yelling thru a pipe Fire warning shot!  
  
Gonzo: Aye, aye! lights the fuse You might want to move, kid.  
  
Link: Huh?  
  
cannon: BOOM! speeds backwards towards Link  
  
Link: Eep! gets crushed against the wall  
  
-meanwhile, abovedecks...  
  
Tetra: screaming at the other ship Hey! Send out a representative!  
  
French sailor: stands up from behind a gunwale Oui?  
  
Tetra: Cooperate and you will be spared! Resist and you will perish!  
  
French sailor: Quoi? Ah, oui! You are, how you say... pirates?  
  
Tetra: Bingo.  
  
French sailor: Well, go away! We don't like no stinking stupid pirate-types, and we'll never give you our smelly French cargo!  
  
Tetra: We won't hesitate to capture you and sell you as slaves, you know that?  
  
French sailor: Ah don't wanna talk to you no more, filthy animal food-trough wiper! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!  
  
Tetra: Well... I... starts crying  
  
random lackey: Oh, great. comforts Tetra I hope you're happy, you filthy frog! Both her parents died years ago when she was just little!  
  
French sailor: Oh, really? Zat is so sad, I am sorry, little madamoiselle. Here, would you feel better if you were to take our treasure?  
  
Tetra: (quietly) Bingo. sniffles O-okay. Thank you.  
  
-a few minutes later...  
  
Link: (whose head is bandaged quite a bit) Cool, so they just gave it up?  
  
Tetra: flipping a gold coin Yeah, those frogs are softies for a damsel in distress. Alright, come get your shares, you scurvy, scoundrelly scalliwags!  
  
Link: Jeez, you pirates sure like making alliterations.  
  
Tetra: You kiddin'? It's one of our favorite pastimes!  
  
Gonzo: to Niko You stinky, stupid, stumpy stool!  
  
Niko: to Mungo You big, baggy bloke!  
  
Mungo: to his reflection Yoo pretty, powerful, piquant pirate! Mmm... pecans.  
  
Link: Let me try... you damn, dumb, daft dorks!  
  
all: turn and look at Link  
  
Gonzo: Okay, that was just kinda mean.  
  
Link: to Tetra You bossy, bitchy, bodacious babe!  
  
all: turn and look at Link  
  
Tetra: Okay, that was better, but you're goin' to the brig.  
  
Gonzo: We don't have a brig.  
  
Tetra: Then throw him in the laundry room.  
  
Nerdo: We don't have one. We just slap our clothes repeatedly on the side of the ship.  
  
Tetra: ...Well, then slap him like a filthy pair of pants.  
  
Gonzo: Aye, sir!  
  
Tetra: Let Mungo do it.  
  
Mungo: Yaaaay laundry! claps  
  
-later, abovedecks...  
  
Mungo: Laundry! slap Laundry! slap Laundry! slap  
  
Tetra: Okay, I think he's had enough for one chapter. Tune in next time for another!  
  
Mungo: Same laundry slapping place, same laundry slapping time! Yay, laundry! slap  
  
Link: Don't forget to review on your way out! slap AAAAHAHAHAUUGH!!


	3. Makin' stuff sparkle

BO Studios claims no ownership of any characters portrayed herein.  
  
...Except for Mungo.  
  
-Link, thrilled to have his brand-spanking-new brush, begins immediately scrubbing the whole damn boat. Even inside. And in Tetra's cabin.  
  
Squee the Cabin Boy: Hey! You can't go in there! Out out out!!!  
  
Link: ...What boat is this, the Weatherlight? Bite me and go back to _your_ world.  
  
Squee: ...Okay. bites Link and vanishes  
  
Link: AH! HE BIT ME! THAT STUPID GOBLIN BIT ME!  
  
Tetra: WHAT THE CRAP ARE YOU DOING IN MY CABIN?!  
  
Link: Uh... makin' it sparkle? closes Tetra's dresser drawers with his foot  
  
Tetra: Why were you scrubbing my underwear?  
  
Link: Um... cuz it smelled funny... oh crap...  
  
-On deck  
  
Gonzo: Say, Niko, you hear that?  
  
Niko: Yep... whad'ya s'pose it is?  
  
Gonzo: Dunno. Link went down there a while ago to clean... he probably started cleaning the Captain's cabin.  
  
Niko: Probably smellin' her underoos...  
  
Tetra: throws Link to jardines DON'T YOU EVER GO IN MY CABIN AGAIN! _EVER!!!_  
  
Link: sniff sniff Eeugh! Poopoo holes!  
  
Tetra: kicks Link's head Fucktard!  
  
-The next morning, Tetra emerges from the depths of the ship and is instantly blinded by sunlight being reflected off the just-waxed deck.  
  
Tetra: AAUAUUGH! MY EYES! slips and falls on her bum  
  
Link: skates over in his socks Neat, huh? I found this big barrel of wax buried in the hold, so I decided to use it! spins and skates away  
  
Gonzo: skates up in his socks as well Come on, Miss Tetra! It's fun! skates away and falls over the gunwale AAAUGH ::splash::  
  
Tetra: removes shoes Great, we're the stupid sockskate pirates. Way to go, you damn dumb swabbie!  
  
Link: Hey! That's uncalled for! (aside: And so is this!) You cheeky, chesty chick!  
  
Tetra: blushing  
  
Link: Hee hee hee! I been practicing!  
  
Tetra: Maybe you can practice even more when you're being DRAGGED BEHIND THE SHIP AS BAIT!  
  
Link: Aww nerts...  
  
-Later  
  
Link: missing some toes; but no worries, they might grow back You all suck. You used me to catch supper.   
  
Gonzo: Aww come on, we all have to do that at least _once._  
  
Nerdo: Yeah, why do you think most of us have no feet?  
  
Niko: sobs It's true, it's true! Say, pass the dorsal fin.  
  
Tetra: eating the meat off the shark's jaws as if it were ribs Get it yourself.  
  
Link: copying Tetra, puts his ankles on the table  
  
all: gasp  
  
Gonzo: What are you doing?!  
  
Niko: Oh noes!  
  
Nerdo: Quick, get your feet down before Miss Tetra gets the axpoon!  
  
half ax, half harpoon (it hurts)  
  
Link: pulls his feet away just in time to avoid the deadly swipe of the axpoon Eep...  
  
Tetra: Only the Captain can do that, you dumb ass. Try it again and I'll aim higher up.  
  
Link: Double eep...  
  
-Later in the filthy, dirty crew cabin...  
  
Gonzo: And this will be your hammock.  
  
Link: It's got stains.  
  
Gonzo: Well, none of them are perfect, but at least it's structurally sound. attempts to pat it, but instead puts his hand through it Oh...  
  
Link: You killed it! ...Say, why can't I use this clean one? points to a rolled-up hammock in the closet  
  
Gonzo: NOOOOOOO!!! grabs Link's wrist and pulls him away from it That is the cursed hammock of K'aman-Dûl.  
  
Link: I don't believe in curses, and my Granny always says if you don't believe in something, it can't hurt you. touches the hammock  
  
sandbag: thwunk  
  
Link: crushed under a sandbag OH GOD THE PAIN!!!  
  
Niko: helps pull Link out You're lucky indeed, my friend!  
  
Link: I got gooshed! How is that lucky?! And I ain't yo' damn friend!  
  
Gonzo: You are the first one to touch it and live. The guy who put it in there died shortly after of Ocean Madness. And diarrhea. Mostly the diarrhea.  
  
Tetra: stomps on floor in her cabin, conveniently situated above theirs SHUT UP, YOU BUMS! YOU'LL DIE IF YOU WAKE ME UP AGAIN!  
  
Link: HEY, SHUT UP! WE'RE TRYING TO SLEEP DOWN HERE!  
  
Tetra: OH, THAT IS _IT!_ footstep sounds weapon sharpening sounds practice swing sounds  
  
Gonzo: quietly Oh, way to go, smartypants!  
  
Nerdo: also quietly Now we're all screwed!  
  
Link: also also quietly Oh shush. Mind you, I've fought and won against Ganondorf, and he was _much_ more of a threat that Tetra!  
  
Niko: ditto Yeah, but that was when you had a sword.  
  
Link: ...  
  
all: ...  
  
all: ...WE'RE DOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!  
  
Tetra: kicks door down (ululating) LALALALALALALALALALALALALALA!  
  
-And the bloodbath ensues.  
  
-...  
  
-...  
  
-...and keeps going well into the day.  
  
-Luckily, Link had a shitload of fairies on hand.  
  
Link: pretending to be dead ...I think she's gone.  
  
All: get up You're an asshole, Link.  
  
Link: Well, hey, maybe I could've just let you all rot. Fairies ain't easy to catch.  
  
Gonzo: Yes they are. catches a fairy in a bottle  
  
Fairy: La lala la-la... hits bottle wall Oh? Wha... wha-... figures it out NOOOO! UUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! WAAAAAAAUGH! HYAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!  
  
Gonzo: See?  
  
Fairy: WHY?! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!  
  
Gonzo: Hey, shut up! taps bottle vigorously with a pencil  
  
Fairy: clutching ears AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!  
  
Link: Hey, don't do that!  
  
Gonzo: Why not, weenie?  
  
Link: ...Because.  
  
Gonzo: Because _why?_  
  
Link: ...  
  
Link: ...because SHUT UP.  
  
Tetra: ALL YOU SHUT UP! YOU KEPT ME UP ALL FREAKIN' NIGHT!  
  
Link: NO, _YOU_ DID THAT, YOU DAMN DUMB DONKEYHUMPER!  
  
-To be continued...


	4. Revelations

Mungo and Mr. Cactus are the only characters we own, so shaddap. It's not like we even _pretend_ to own any other characters.  
  
Authors' note: (Words in parentheses, like these, represent a character's inner thoughts.)  
  
Link: after makin' the boat shine again Huzzah, I'm not a stupid swabbie no mo'! Niko, get me a coffee and make it quick, you boob!  
  
Niko: We ain' got no coffee, twerp!  
  
Link: gasp How dare you insult a superior! punishes Niko with a cactus wearing a mustache and a monacle  
  
Mr. Cactus: Oh, I say! Put me down, you horrible brute!  
  
Tetra: HEY! Put down that cactus! It's enchanted! And indestructible!  
  
Link: ...But why do I have to put it down if it's indestructible?  
  
Tetra: It belonged to my mother...  
  
Mr. Cactus: put down Oh, thank you. talking quietly to Tetra After much research, I have found conclusive evidence of a great treasure hidden under Windfall Island...  
  
Tetra: ...Good, good...  
  
Mr. Cactus: ...although it may require some frighteningly extensive digging.  
  
Tetra: Hmm... I have an idea.  
  
-Much later, now on Windfall Island  
  
Link: Whee! I'm gonna get wasted!  
  
Gonzo: Well, even though you're underage, you're a pirate now, so it's entirely okay.  
  
Link: Yay!  
  
Tetra: Ok, boys, have a good time! quietly, to herself ...because you'll be digging for weeks, my pretties!  
  
Link: listening HA! I KNEW IT! You dig my stuff!  
  
Teta: Eh?  
  
Link: You want this, don't ya? taking off his shirt  
  
Tetra: Grrr...  
  
Link: Yeah, you want this iron-hard four-pack, don't ya? slaps belly  
  
Tetra: Hold that pose...  
  
Link: (Heck yeah, I'm getting laid!)  
  
Tetra: hurls Timmies at Link  
  
Authors' note: is the name we've given to those little black spiky things with the eyes that look at you and slow you down when you run. They're named after Orpus' little dumb kitty, Timmy, because he's spiky and black and looks at everything like he's never seen it before. He's special. You know, special.  
  
Link: WAUGH! THEY'RE POKING ME! OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW!  
  
Mr. Cactus: Oh, dear me! I'll save you, my lad! douses himself in lemon juice and wrestles around on Link, thus getting the Timmies off, yet stabbing him in various places with his lemon juice-laced spines What-ho, you rambunctious pricklepears!  
  
Link: Oh gods, the pain!  
  
-The next day  
  
Link: Get away from me with that, you evil, alien-eyed creep organism!  
  
Joy Teacher Lady (from now on, JTL): Hold still, you don't want an infection, do you?  
  
Link: Then don't use iodine. It stings...  
  
JTL: Well, then what _should_ I use, hmm?  
  
Link: Scotch, please.  
  
JTL: Whiskey okay?  
  
Link: Yeah, I guess...  
  
Gonzo: Hey Link, we need you out here again.  
  
Link: Why?  
  
Gonzo: Well, we found a very narrow tunnel while digging and you're the only one who's small enough to fit.  
  
Link: Make Niko do it.  
  
Gonzo: We already tried. His head got stuck and we had to find three pounds of butter before it would come out.  
  
Link: Oh, fine...  
  
-At the tunnel  
  
Link: I ain't goin' in there.  
  
Tetra: leans over to Link's ear Pswswswswsw.  
  
Link: R-really?  
  
Tetra: Suuuuure.  
  
Link: salutes _Yes, ma'am! _shoots into hole  
  
Gonzo: What'd you tell him?  
  
Tetra: I told him I'd show him what girls look like.  
  
Gonzo: !?! MISS TETRA, NO! That's indecent.  
  
Tetra: Are you looking at me?  
  
Gonzo: ...Yes, why?  
  
Tetra: I'm a girl. This is what I look like. Get it?  
  
Gonzo: Ah, genius!  
  
Niko: Huh? I thought you were just a guy with a girly-type face!  
  
Tetra: That's because you're a degenerate, impure beaver-man with squid stroganoff for brains.  
  
Niko: And how!  
  
-In the tunnel  
  
Link: Freaking rats! Shoo, shoo!  
  
rat: squeak squeak runs away  
  
Link: Bingo! yells backward Hey, I found it!  
  
tentacle thing: grabs Link **bleargh**  
  
Link: Aaagh! Help help! It's a Cthulhu! It'll eat us all!  
  
Tetra: from far away What? We're coming, Link! We used a bomb to enlarge the hole!  
  
Link: Oh, _now_ they think of that... hey! Get off, you stupid tentaklor! Get off or I'll scream rape!  
  
tentacle thing: **gyarble  
Link: That's it! _RAPE! RAPE!  
  
_Tetra: cuts tentacle Why couldn't you have just done that?  
  
tentacle stump: _cursessss! foiled againnnn! _retreats  
  
Link: Well, um... because.  
  
Tetra: Because _what?_  
  
Link: Because shut up.  
  
Niko: WOW! Look at the size of that rupee!  
  
Tetra: sparkly girly eyes It... it's so beautiful...  
  
Link: looks at giant rupee It's fake.  
  
all: WHA-  
  
Link: It's made of glass. See the crack?  
  
Tetra: crying silently  
  
Link: See, it's got something in it, too. breaks giant rupee with hammer Hey, a key!  
  
Tetra: GIMME GIMME GIMME! takes key But what's it for?  
  
Link: I dunno... s'pose it's for that big keyhole over there.  
  
Mr. Cactus: Of course! _That's _where the treasure is!  
  
Gonzo: I wonder what it is...  
  
Nerdo: Gold!  
  
Link: Diamonds!  
  
Mungo: Corn!  
  
Niko: Silver!  
  
Tetra: smacks Niko It's a positive progression, moron! Silver comes _before_ gold, not _after!_  
  
Mungo: Potatoes!  
  
Mr. Cactus: Well, by all means, let's find out! unlocks giant door  
  
door: rumble rumble _creeeeeeeeeeeeeak_  
  
Mungo: Bagpipes?  
  
Tetra: Oh gods, it's... it's...  
  
Gonzo: I don't believe it!  
  
Niko: ...More than I've ever seen at one time!  
  
Link: What the crap! It's just a bunch of pictographs!  
  
Mr. Cactus: looking at pictographs Yes... pictographs of various people around Hyrule in a wide range of illicit activities! Why, here's the postman opening a letter addressed to someone else!  
  
Link: I knew it! He took my birthday money!  
  
Tetra: Blackmail time, everybody! Grab as many pictographs as you can and haul them to the ship!  
  
Link: holding a stack of several hundred Then what?  
  
Tetra: You'll get to sort them, Link.  
  
Link: What?! Why me?  
  
Tetra: Because you're the only one who knows who all these people are!  
  
-Later  
  
Link: sorting pictographs Postman... chieftain... Tingle... Lenzo... Orca... WHOA!  
  
Mr. Cactus: What is it, my boy?  
  
Link: It's Lenzo, but he's all... young. Hey, I know that place! That's Outset!  
  
Mr. Cactus: And who is that lovely lass he has there?  
  
Link: I recognize the hair! That's my gramma! OH MY GOD...  
  
Tetra: What's all the yelling for, yo?  
  
Link: THE PICTOGRAPH GUY IS MY GRAMPA!  
  
Chorus: Dun dun dunnnnnnnnn!  
  
Tetra: Not you again! fetches axpoon  
  
-To be continued!**


	5. Blackmailed Birdmen 'n New Bait

Another day, another chapter. Ho hum.  
  
We at BO Studios do not own any characters or anything else mentioned within this story other than Mungo and Mr. Cactus.  
  
last time...  
  
Link: THE PICTOGRAPH GUY IS MY GRAMPA!  
  
Tetra: cleaning her axpoon You already said that.  
  
Gonzo: My god, Miss Tetra! This is a picture of you...  
  
Tetra: Give it me!  
  
Niko: Oh, gross!  
  
Mr. Cactus: I say, that's indecent!  
  
Mungo: Gold digging!  
  
Nerdo: Oh ish, she's picking her nose!  
  
Tetra: snatches the picture I had an _itch,_ for crying out loud!  
  
Link: looks at the picture Looks like you were going for the mother lode, huh?  
  
Tetra: Shut the hell up! Anyway, I bet there's at least one of _each_ of us in this pile.  
  
Gonzo: picks up another picture Niko! It was _you_ who peed on my ice cream! I'll KILL you!!!! strangles Niko  
  
Tetra: All right, all right, no fighting unless bets are made first, you know that! Put him down!  
  
Link: I'm gonna go kick that guy in the shins for making my grandma be a single mother! runs away  
  
Tetra: Watch the gunwale.  
  
Link: The what?  
  
Tetra: That short wall that keeps you from falling overboard.  
  
Link: Whoops! splash I'm okay.  
  
Mungo: Lookie lookie, a funny hairy fishy!  
  
Link: Shut up you goon and find a rope.  
  
-later that day, back in Windfall...  
  
Link: walks into Lenzo's studio Hello?  
  
Lenzo: Oh, hi, kid! Got any new pictographs?  
  
Link: Just one. hands over a picture of his grandma  
  
Lenzo: Why, this little old lady looks strangely familiar...  
  
Link: She should, you asshole! kicks Lenzo in the kneecap  
  
Lenzo: Ow, my brittle old man kneecap!  
  
-back on the boat...  
  
Tetra: You hear that?  
  
Nerdo: Sounded like an old man being beaten up.  
  
-back in the town...  
  
Link: hitting Lenzo with a stick You are a bad man!  
  
Lenzo: What did I do, what did I do?!  
  
Link: You made my Grandma a single mother! continues with the stick  
  
Lenzo: ...Oh, so she's your grandmother? Huzzah! I have an heir to my legacy!  
  
Link: Your _legacy?!_ Dude, you sit around all day puttering with cameras! You have no life!  
  
Lenzo: Wait, wait, not the stick! If you could provide me and all my stuff with transportation to Outset, I would reward you handsomely.  
  
Link: Handsomely, you say?...  
  
-Later, on Outset  
  
Granny: Oh, Lenzo! It's you!  
  
Lenzo: Yes, love, I've returned! I'm so sorry I wa- OOF!  
  
Granny: flip-jumps back after kung-fu kicking Lenzo in the gut THAT'S for leaving!  
  
Lenzo: kicked again UGH!  
  
Granny: And THAT'S for not coming back til now!  
  
Link: Jeez Grandma, where'd you learn _that?!_  
  
Granny: Well, I dated Orca once, but he was an asshole.  
  
Link: Oh.  
  
Lenzo: I... I don't understand...  
  
Granny: What, that I don't love you? I still love you. I'm just pissed at you.  
  
Lenzo: Oog...  
  
Granny: Aryll, do you want to hit him for me?  
  
Aryll: Sure! beats Lenzo with her telescope  
  
Lenzo: Ow, my brittle old man hip!  
  
Granny: Okay, he's forgiven now.  
  
-Back on the high seas, me boyos!  
  
Tetra: speaking quietly with Mr. Cactus So, where's this postman live again? And how will we meet him in secret?  
  
Mr. Cactus: Dragon Roost Island, and I sent him a little postcard with a request on it.  
  
-Elsewhere  
  
Quill (you know, the Rito postman who helps Link): Hm. Meet us (alone) at the broken ship outside the Forsaken Fortress, or we'll send out the pictures. What pictures, you ask? Why, this very postcard is a copy of one of my personal favorites. What's that mean? turns postcard over, looks at picture OH GOD, THEY SAW THAT?! Must be blackmailing me... filthy scoundrels, I'll tear them apart!  
  
-On the ship  
  
Mr. Cactus: Why, by my estimate, the winged bloke ought to have received it nigh a few seconds ago.  
  
Tetra: That's good. Men, set a course for the Forsaken Fortress.  
  
All: GASP  
  
Tetra: Oh come on, it's abandoned.  
  
-At the Forsaken Fortress (at night)  
  
Tetra: ... and hide the ship behind the wreckage, for crying out loud!  
  
Mr. Cactus: Miss Tetra, I believe it time to don our disguises. puts on Groucho glasses  
  
Tetra: Right, right. does same  
  
Quill: flies in and lands, also wearing Groucho glasses Miss Tetra!? You're the blackmailer?  
  
Tetra: Shit, he recognized me! GET IM!!!!  
  
Mr. Cactus: YEEARGHBLE! tackles Quill  
  
Tetra: Men, stuff him in the sack and knock him out! By the time he wakes up, I want to be far from here. Oh, and take all his money.  
  
-Tetra's cabin  
  
Tetra: Well, that sucked. closes door Man, I'm bushed... gotta–YAWN–get into bed before I fall over. changes Hello, bed. flops ... I sense a disturbance in the room. looks over at wall Did that picture just... blink? Wait, I don't have a picture there! hurls axpoon  
  
Picture: Augh... falls down, revealing little eyeholes in the wall  
  
Shady figure behind wall: Crap, she saw me! sounds of running  
  
Tetra: bursts out of cabin CODE 37! CODE 37! SOMEONE PEEPED AT ME FROM BEHIND THE WALL! pirates scramble I feel so... so _violated!_  
  
Nerdo: Find him!  
  
Gonzo & that bearded guy: Aye, aye!  
  
Gonzo: Get the net!  
  
Amish-beard pirate: Okay!  
  
Niko: He's over here!  
  
Ugly sideburn pirate: No, he's over there!  
  
Link: No! He's there! points at a barrel  
  
pirates: surround barrel and approach slowly  
  
barrel: attempts to shuffle away  
  
Tetra: Oh, no ya don't!  
  
Stupid-hair pirate: lifts barrel  
  
Link: It's... it's YOU!!  
  
Tingle: Oh dear, you caught me, Mr. Fairy!  
  
Link: stabs Tingle I HAVE A NAME, RETARD!  
  
Tingle: Ooh dear me! Mr. Fairy, why did you stab me?!  
  
Link: You spied on mah lady-friend!  
  
Tetra: Why, Tingle?!  
  
Tingle: You stole my collection of pictographs!  
  
Tetra: We're pirates. It's what we do.  
  
Link: Yeah, you little alien-eyed, slave-driving freak!  
  
Tetra: Someone tie him up. I think we found a new piece of bait, don't you know...  
  
Link: You vile, verminous, villainous vagabond!  
  
pirates: Aye, captain!  
  
Gonzo: Hey kid, you're gettin' pretty good at that.  
  
Link: You think? to Tingle You backward, beetleheaded, blockish bastard!  
  
sideburn pirate: Damn he's good.  
  
-To be continued! Next time, MORE alliteration! Same blackmail time, same blackmail URL!  
  
Review or Belzon may just find it necessary to swallow your soul!  
...Heck, what do we mean _may?_ He WILL swallow your soul!


	6. Freaky Fungus

We own only Mr. Cactus and Mungo, who may not be appearing no more. Dunno why, just won't.  
  
-In the galley (the ship's food place)  
  
Link: sculpting his mashed potatoes into a sort of plateau This means something... this is important!... begins maliciously pelting it with peas IT'S A SIGN, I TELL YOU! foams at the mouth and falls over, waving at people like the queen of England  
  
Tetra: Okay, _who_ slipped him the freaky fungus?!  
  
Niko: Um... it was Sideburns.  
  
Sideburns: Nuh-uh! It was Niko!  
  
Niko: Nuh-uh!  
  
Sideburns: Yuh-huh!  
  
Niko: Nuh-uh!  
  
Sideburns: Yuh-huh!  
  
Niko: Nuh-uh!  
  
Sideburns: Yuh-huh!  
  
Niko: Nuh-uh!  
  
Sideburns: Yuh-huh!  
  
Niko: Nuh-uh!  
  
Sideburns: Yuh-huh!  
  
Niko: Nuh-uh!  
  
Sideburns: Yuh-huh!  
  
Tetra: You're both guilty.  
  
Niko & Sideburns: Huh?!  
  
Tetra: Gonzo, put them in the laundry brig.  
  
Link: I am the very model of a modern Major-General,  
I've information vegetable, animal and mineral;  
I know the kings of Hyrule, and I quote the fights historical,  
From Marathon to Waterloo, it order categorical;  
  
Tetra: Oh crap, he's singing now.  
  
Link: I am very well acquainted too with matters mathematical,  
I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical,  
About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news–  
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.  
  
Link's hands: with little eyes painted on and tiny little hats With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse!  
  
Tetra: Someone, fetch me the serum! His hands are starting to talk!  
  
Link: I am very good at integral and differential calculus,  
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous,  
In short, in matters vegetable, animal and mineral,  
I am the very model of a modern Major-General!  
  
Link's hands: In short, in matters vegetable, animal and mineral,  
He is the very model of a modern Major-General!  
  
Tetra: loads blowgun and fires  
  
Link: hit in the ass by dart Hyechhh... passes out  
  
Tetra: Someone carry him to his bed. He hasn't finished paying us back yet... speaking of pay, Mr. Cactus, who are we to hit next?  
  
Mr. Cactus: I suggest that we now blackmail that ugly-as-a-freshly-extinguished-piece-of-bloody-peanut-and-corn-dog-dump-that-you-just-scraped-off-your-ass rich guy on Windfall Island.  
  
-The next morning  
  
ugly rich guy: reads letter Oh dear...  
  
letter: Meet us at the pier with 55,000 rupees. OR ELSE!  
  
ugly rich guy: Blackmailers.  
  
-moments later, at the pier...  
  
Link: My ass is numb. And it stings. And itches! scratches ass vigorously and unattractively  
  
Niko: If it's numb, how can you feel that?  
  
Link: now scratching more vigorously I'm magical!  
  
Tetra: Shush, everyone put on your disguises!  
  
all: don Groucho glasses  
  
ugly guy: Are you the blackmailers!  
  
Link: quietly Ugh, I can see his face.  
  
Gonzo: Ug... ug... BAAAAAAAAARF  
  
Niko: Gross.  
  
Tetra: Yeah, you... choke ...got the money?  
  
ugly guy: Yes, it's right here. hands over a big huge bag of loot and walks away  
  
Tetra: Thanks. looks at ugly guy's face and retches  
  
Niko: chucks biscuits  
  
Link: tosses cookies  
  
Gonzo: upchucks  
  
Tetra: Okay, let's leave this horrible place.  
  
Link: What about the pictures?  
  
Tetra: The idiot didn't even take em, so we'll do him again next year.  
  
-later...  
  
Valoo: opens a tiny little envelope and reads it Rrgh?! Grr!  
  
letter: Meet us alone at the Eastern Fairy Island with 100,000 rupees or else!  
  
-later...  
  
Link: He's going to recognize us.  
  
Tetra: No he won't. This time we have wigs as well! all don their disguises  
  
Valoo: wearing a hat, sunglasses, and a coat with the collar up lands nearby and hands over a briefcase in exchange for the pictures Gggrk. flies away  
  
Tetra: All right, this is easier than I thought!  
  
Link: Hey, let's get Beedle now! I HATE that guy! Plus, with his exorbitant prices, he's _gotta_ be freakin' rich.  
  
-oh, you know...  
  
Link: Why isn't that bastitch here yet?!  
  
Tetra: He sails around in a small, overloaded dinghy. Not to mention it has barrels tied to the sides, further slowing his vessel...  
  
Link: Grr, I'm bored. And hungry. chews on a stick  
  
Tetra: No, that stick's got fungus on it!  
  
Link: pupils dilate and mouth foams Phflrrrrrgg!!!! Yar! buries Niko and poops on him  
  
Tetra: Oh, ew!  
  
Gonzo: That's just grody!  
  
Link: starts eating grass Blarghble! projectile-vomits grass clippings at Gonzo  
  
Sideburns: Oh god, he's hosing!  
  
Tetra: Get the serum!  
  
Sideburns: running I got it, I got it! trips and stabs himself through both thumbs and his nose EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH!!!!  
  
Tetra: Gimme the box, the box! loads blowgun with several darts fires a spray at Link  
  
Link: catches a dart where a man SHOULD NEVER GET HIT WITH A DART! and crumples over, whimpering  
  
Tetra: Whew, that was close.  
  
Link: whimper  
  
Gonzo: Hey, Beedle's here!  
  
Beedle: Hello, everybody! Say, I've got a special promotion going on now, where if you don't extort money from me, you get a super ultra platinum discount for life, and... this FREE neato rug!  
  
Gonzo: Ooh, a rug!  
  
Tetra: Stuff it, eggplant-nose! I've got a _better_ deal. I'll sell you _these_ fifty pictures for 1,000 rupees each.  
  
Beedle: Ooh, what's on them?  
  
Tetra: shows pictures  
  
Beedle: OH MY GOD! shells out 50,000 rupees  
  
Tetra: Pleasure doing business with you.  
  
Link: wakes up ROOOOGH!!! humps Beedle's neck  
  
Tingle: floating above My, my, is Mr. Fairy that lonesome?  
  
Link: Glargh! Bloogh! leaps up and rips Tingle's face off  
  
Tetra: Hey! How'd the bait escape?!  
  
Sideburns: runs past EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH!!  
  
-Later, on the boat  
  
Tetra: ...And keep those ropes tight until the fungus works its way out of his system!  
  
Gonzo: Got it. Not til he's normal again.  
  
Link: tied to a chair, and obviously still psycho Of course I'm normal! Tetra, please, untie these ropes and I'll show you how normal I am ;) wiggles eyebrows provocatively  
  
Tetra: clothes somewhat rumpled and hair messy Fool me 3 times, shame on you. Fool me 4 or more times, shame on _me_.  
  
Sideburns: runs by EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH!  
  
Tetra: Somebody hit him over the damn head!  
  
-Review!


	7. Heads in Beds!

Read the older disclaimers! I don't wanna write one right now!  
  
Link: wakes up in a field of flowers Buh?  
  
Tetra: wearing some kind of dress Hi, Link! picks flowers, skips over and puts them in his hair  
  
Link: I don't know what's going on here... BUT I LIKES IT!  
  
Tetra: Hump me, sausage-man! rolls in flowers with Link Let's make a baby!  
  
Link: WHOA, WHOA! I don't want a kid!  
  
Tetra: wearing different clothes, looks angry Well, maybe you should've thought of that _beforehand!_  
  
Link: But... but we never did nothin'!  
  
Tetra: IT'S YOUR SON, YOU BASTARD!!!  
  
Link: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! starts running  
  
world: shatters like glass, falls down, revealing blackness and flames  
  
Link: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!  
  
big funky bug head skull thing: **_BROOOOOOOGH!_**  
  
Link: YAAAAAAAAH!  
  
floating pirate heads: chanting It's your baby! It's your baby! It's your baby! It's your baby! IT'S YOUR BABY! **IT'S YOUR BABY!**  
  
flames: start up all around Link  
  
angry flying ticks: reeeee! swarm on Link  
  
Link: EEEEEEEEAGHBLE!  
  
bfbhst: **_BROOOOOOOGH!  
  
_**Link: WAH!  
  
mystery waterfall: sploosh  
  
Link: rises in hammock Ppppppbpbpbpbttpttptbptpbptptbpbptbptpt!!! opens eyes What... huh?  
  
Gonzo: Shut up, you butt!  
  
Nerdo: You okay, Link? You ate some bad stick.

> > Tetra: Oh good, he's up. GET UP HERE NOW!  
  
-On deck  
  
Mr. Cactus: Studies show that the most promising target happens to be that eskimo guy who runs the outside shop on Windfall.  
  
Authors' note: If you know that bastard's name, please tell us or we'll have to call him Nanook, and we _know_ that ain't his name.  
  
Tetra: We've spotted another ship. They look like pirates.  
  
Niko: What're we gonna do?  
  
Tetra: We'll head over there and talk things out. You know, see if they know anything.  
  
all: ¿o.o?  
  
Tetra: And then we blow em to bits and take their loot!  
  
all: Hooray!  
  
-a little later...  
  
Tetra: talking to the other Captain I am the Captain of this ship.  
  
Captain Swampy: Yarr! Arr! I be a pirate, YARRR!!  
  
Polly: Wark! Pirate! Wark!  
  
Tetra: What's in your hold?  
  
Capt. Swampy: Yarr! DUBLOONS!! YARR!  
  
Tetra: What are you looking for?  
  
Polly: Wark! Dubloons! Wark!  
  
Tetra: Will you shut up?  
  
Capt. Swampy: YARR! INGOTS, DUBLOONS!! YEEARGH!! ARR! GIVE ME YAR TREASURE, ARG ARG!  
  
Polly: Wark! Treasure! Yar!... I mean,   
  
Tetra: to her crew You know what to do!  
  
all: Yes, ma'am! take their treasure and burn their ship  
  
Capt. Swampy: on fire Nooo, not me treasure!!! Yaaaaaarrrr!!!!!!  
  
Polly: plucked and roasted Waaaaaaaark!!  
  
-later on Windfall...  
  
Nanook: Oh my, I have got a letter! I wonder if it pertains to **that**! reads letter Oh dear me, it does not! It does not involve **that** at all! It doesn't even _mention_ **that**!  
  
-later...  
  
Tetra: He oughta show up soon.  
  
Nanook: Hello, I am here! I will gladly pay you for not releasing those pictures of myself in reprobate and reputation-destroying situations! Or, would you possibly accept **that** as just compensation?  
  
Tetra: What?  
  
Nanook: You know. **That**. Yes, would you please accept **that** from me?  
  
Link: Don't do it. He's a no-good con artist, you saw the pictures!  
  
Tetra: Shh. Now, money's money, but **that**... **that** could be _anything!_ drools  
  
Gonzo: Now, Miss Tetra...  
  
Tetra: We'll take **that**!  
  
Nanook: A very wise decision, young lady. I can tell from your choice that you are a born leader, and a very effective one, too. takes pictures, drops a box, and runs away  
  
-back on the boat...  
  
Link: imitating Nanook Oh, please. Please take **that**. imitating Tetra Okay, **that** sounds great! now himself It's a freaking STICK! It's not even a _good_ stick. holds it up See? See?! Look! It's skinny and short and brittle! stick breaks Oh mercy me, it's a miracle! Now we have two of **that**!!!!  
  
Tetra: boiling mad Mr. Cactus?  
  
Mr. Cactus: A-yeeeeeeeeeees?  
  
Tetra: ...You know what to do.  
  
-The next morning, in Nanook's bed  
  
Nanook: yawn, stretch Oh my, what is **that** right there in my bed? **That** thing there, right under the sheets? removes sheets (insert long-ass, high-pitched girly scream)  
  
-On the ship  
  
Tetra: hears scream He has NO idea who he's fucked with.  
  
Link: Well, that big shark from last night ate all but the bait's **head**... I suppose it's the best way to get rid of it.  
  
Authors' note: Remember who the bait was?  
  
Tetra: Well, _both_ those bastards deserve it.  
  
Mr. Cactus: By the way, miss Tetra, I did find a treasure chart in his room last night.  
  
Tetra: sparkly eyes Lemme see, lemme see! looks at chart  
  
Link: Well, what's it say?  
  
Tetra: I can't make heads nor tails of this crap! toss  
  
Link: catch Hey! I know where that is! drops grappling hook into water, hauls up chest  
  
Tetra: MINE! shove  
  
Link: Hey!  
  
Tetra: opens chest, eyes go huge n sparkly  
  
All: look in chest Oh, snap!  
  
Tetra: It's... it's...  
  
Link: Golden chicken skeletons!!!! WE'RE RICH!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Tetra: Freaking golden chicken skeletons?!  
  
Gonzo: Miss Tetra, do you know how MUCH those are _WORTH?!_  
  
-to be continued


	8. Horse Dervishes!

We don't own anything in here other than Mungo and Mr. Cactus. So there.  
  
-on the ship...  
  
Tetra: Who _cares_ what they're worth, they're crap and I want them off my boat!  
  
Link: There's a guy who gave me 750,000 for half of one.  
  
Tetra: ...Like I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, guard these with your lives or I'll... I'll... _kill_ you all!  
  
Link: mocking Tetra Oh, but if you guard them, I'll give you all big kisses, but Link will have to come in to my bed for his. Nekkid!  
  
Tetra: impales Link  
  
Link: Ouchies!  
  
Mr. Cactus: I have come upon a plan. Link, did you say there was an auction house on Windfall?  
  
Link: Yeah, we can auction em off and get even _more_ money! tries to move Ow.  
  
Tetra: kisses Link That's the best plan I've ever heard!  
  
Link: Now _that's_ what I'm talking about. tries to jump on Tetra, only to realize that he's still impaled and stuck to a wall OWIES!  
  
Tetra: Bastard.  
  
-that night...  
  
Zunari: Nanook's real name, thank you Jimbo Jones sweating profusely Oh, please, please do not tell me you are upset with **tha**...  
  
Gonzo & Mungo: slam Zunari against wall, then hang him from a hook  
  
Zunari: hanging by his hood Oh, **this** is very unfortunate. Please don't rape me! I'm saving myself for marriage!  
  
Tetra: Oh god, you're sicker than I thought!! throws knives at Zunari Listen up, buttnut. ALL of tonight's auction proceeds go to us, in order to benefit the Save Zunari's Little Eskimo Ass from a Horrible Pirate-Induced Death Fund. Got me?  
  
Zunari: Oh, yes, yes! I understand **that** perfectly! More perfectly than I understand my own name, which in my native tongue, means   
  
Tetra: SHUT THE BLEEDING FINGER FUCK UP ABOUT **THAT**!!  
  
Mako: Nerdo's real name, thank you Chibi Sheik The auction will start soon, Miss Tetra.  
  
Tetra: Good. Let him go now.  
  
-in the auction room...  
  
Lenzo: I hear they have golden chicken skeletons tonight!  
  
Nudge: bearded pirate? watching from the doorway Holy smokes! Miss Tetra, looks like the whole _world_ showed up!  
  
Beedle: I'm gonna get me one a' them skeletons!  
  
Mungo: also watching Stupid boat man! turns to Tetra Why golden chickies no have meat? Mungo hungry! Mungo want eat!  
  
Tetra: Shut up you doof, after tonight we'll be eating like royalty! ROYALTY, I TELLS YA!!  
  
Valoo: peeks his head in the window Grrrk.  
  
Link: with a large bandages on his torso Holy cannoli, it's Valoo!  
  
Tetra: pushes Link out of the way It is!  
  
Makar: shows up, speaking on a cell phone with the Deku tree So, you say you'll go as high as ten million? For how many? EACH?! Wow, these are more valuable than I thought!  
  
Fish what draws charts: flops into room like a lungfish  
  
Gonzo: Oh my god, we're going to be...  
  
Tetra: We're gonna be...  
  
Link: The only rich people left in the world!  
  
Tetra: You know, that's a good way of putting it.  
  
Ganondorf: walks in Ooh, horse dervishes! Don't mind if I do! takes an hors d'ouvre Mmm.  
  
Authors' Note: We learned a few years ago that hors d'ouvre is how you spell that word that's pronounced like   
  
-Later, after a bloody, super-competitive auction what stretched well into the afternoon...  
  
Link: wearing a monocle and a top hat speaking like a rich english guy to Tetra I say, old girl, how's about we retire to the hotel for the evening? I say, I know of a most delightful game...  
  
Tetra: playing along (for the moment) And what game would that be, old bean?  
  
Link: I say, it's such a lovely sport. I say, I believe it's called... Hide the Salami.   
  
Tetra: Oh my, how's it played? I don't believe I've ever heard of the game.  
  
Link: I say, come along and I'll show you!  
  
-Outside the chosen room  
  
Tetra: inside, with Link OH THAT'S SICK YOU LITTLE FUCK! sounds of killing and stuff YOU **NEVER** EVEN **_THINK_** OF DOING THAT **EVER** **AGAIN**!!!!!!!!!! stomps out of room pissed off  
  
Link: I say, you're killing me! I say, like a cricket in a combine! Oh, I _say!_  
  
-the next morning...  
  
Tetra: had a throne installed on the poop deck Hoist the mizzen sail!  
  
Gonzo: Miss Tetra, this ship is a one-master. It _has_ no mizzen sail.  
  
Nudge: All we have is a mainsail, a jib, and a jib staysail. It's a cutter.  
  
Tetra: So we'll buy a _new_ ship!  
  
-a few days later...  
  
Tetra: Ah yes, my ship is beautiful, isn't it?  
  
-to see a picture of what their new ship is like, go to Google Images and type in two-masted barque  
  
Nudge: WOW that ship's big!  
  
Link: bandaged out the yin-yang I call the first mate cabin!  
  
Gonzo: Nope, _I_ get that one. After all, _I'm_ first mate.  
  
Tetra: Actually, Gonzo...  
  
Gonzo: Is this bad news?  
  
Tetra: ...Sorta. See, on ships like these, it's quite common to have 2 first mates. And since Link managed to get us all that extra money from the auction house (stealing stuff), he's been promoted.  
  
Gonzo: So he's the same rank as me?  
  
Tetra: Yup.  
  
Link: jumping around on crutches Hooray! IN YO FACE, NUDGE! YOU'RE ONLY 2ND MATE!  
  
Nudge: kicks crutches out from under Link Whoops! Looks like you can't walk!  
  
Link: falls over Ow! My freakin' nose!  
  
-Later that night  
  
Tetra: finishes decorating her cabin Ahh, now I feel at home... wait, what's that? picks up sparkly thing Yay, a gold ring!  
  
Ominous voice coming from nowhere: _Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul._  
  
Tetra: Hey, shut up! absently smacks weird standing rug Wait... looks at rug  
  
Rug: tries to shimmy away  
  
Tetra: You're dead, Link! yanks off rug, revealing... OH MY GOD, NOT YOU! retches  
  
Ugly guy from Windfall: looks around Oh dear, how did I end up here?  
  
-On deck  
  
Ugly guy: splash Help, help, I can't swim!  
  
Tetra: He was in my _cabin!_ shudders  
  
Link: rubbing Tetra's back There, there. At least he didn't touch you... I think his ugly is contagious. puts arm around Tetra  
  
Tetra: looks at Link Take it off or I'll break it off.  
  
Link: quickly snatches away arm  
  
Mungo: walking about freely Mushroom?  
  
Tetra: What are you doing out?!  
  
Link: Don't mind if I do! eats mushroom  
  
Tetra: Oh no, not again!  
  
Link: shudders, foams at mouth GLOOOGH! leaps at camera, fade to black  
  
-Tune in next time!  
  
Belzon: Review or I'll swallow your soul!  
  
Orpus: He'll do it, too!  
  
Belzon: Yearghble!


	9. Abacus my butt!

Read previous disclaimers. I don't wanna do one right now.  
  
Tetra: obviously drunk on the whiskey she bought on impulse (hey, she's rich) Whaddaya mean, drunk? Whiskey don' have alcohol in it.  
  
Link: ditto I said so, you're drunk!  
  
Tetra: Nuh-uh!  
  
Link: Yeah you are!  
  
Nudge: They sound like they're fighting. Maybe we should stop them?  
  
Gonzo: No, man... it's the miracle of life.  
  
Niko: What's that mean?  
  
Mako: They're starting to fight like a couple. They'll hook up in the future, but only after sizing each other up...  
  
Tetra: beating Link with chair  
  
Link: rolls away, pulls rug out from under Tetra, causing her to fall  
  
Mako: ...extensively and violently.  
  
Tetra: jabbing at Link with axpoon  
  
Link: dodging axpoon and throwing sharp rocks  
  
Mako: _Increasingly_ violently.  
  
Tetra: pins Link to wall with knives  
  
Link: looks at knives, then rips off wall screaming, revealing an identical shirt underneath the first  
  
-The next morning  
  
Gonzo: looks at Tetra & Link; chuckles  
  
Tetra: w/ a MONDO hangover What?!  
  
Gonzo: Oh, nothing.  
  
Mr. Cactus: chuckles  
  
Tetra: What's so goddamn funny?  
  
Link: crawls out of a barrel Oh god, what did I **do** last night...  
  
Tetra: What the hell were you doing in there? Get ta work, you lousy turd!  
  
Link: Is this _your_ shoe in _my_ barrel? Get it away from me.  
  
all: turn away and whistle random tunes  
  
Tetra: Did I say you could whistle?!?  
  
Gonzo: Sorry, Miss Tetra.  
  
Tetra: puts her shoe on Well? What are you all waiting for?! Get to the corny song sequence!  
  
musical intro  
  
pirates: Yo-ho, yo-ho, pirates we are, ahoy!  
  
Tetra: No, that sucks. Shut up.  
  
Link: clutching his head SHUT UP! jumps into a barrel and shuts the lid  
  
Tetra: Dock his pay!  
  
LInk: muffled I'm not getting paid!  
  
Tetra: Well, yeah, that's because you're still paying us.  
  
Link: still muffled Then how can you dock my pay?!  
  
Tetra: Uh _duh,_ we make you work _longer_ without pay.  
  
Link: still still muffled Damn you!  
  
Nudge: We've spotted another ship, Miss Tetra!  
  
Tetra: Head straight for em, we'll rob the suckers! Sail _my_ stretch of sea, will they? Well, then they'll have to pay the _fine!_  
  
Mako: whispers to Niko She's talking to herself again...  
  
Niko: also whispering Just let it go.  
  
-later...  
  
Tetra: yelling to the other ship Prepare to be boarded!  
  
Capt. Swampy: peeks over the gunwale Arr? YEAARRR!! IT BE THE ONES WHO TOOK ME DOUBLOONS! ARR!  
  
Polly: Wark! The doubloons! Arrk!  
  
Tetra: Oh god no! MERTALIZE EM!!  
  
crew: Aye, aye! pillage Swampy's new ship and burn it  
  
-Later  
  
all: eating quietly, periodically glancing over at Link & Tetra  
  
Tetra: finally snaps What the hell are you looking at?!?!?  
  
Gonzo: You and Link were fighting last night– fighting like a couple– and the other guys said stuff, and you fell asleep in a barrel with Link. It was so adorable!  
  
Tetra: expression of shock and pure, unadulterated horror  
  
Link: No way! I ain't a virgin no more? Sweet!!!!!  
  
Tetra: EVERYONE OUT! **NOW!!!!!**  
  
-On deck  
  
Link: Wait, you say we just... passed out? Damn.  
  
Niko: Well, I think we could play a game or something...  
  
Link: TRUTH OR DARE! TRUTH OR DARE! Okay, Nudge, I dare you to sprout the wings of a bat and suck the blood out of a block of cheese while whistling Row Row Row Your Boat through Tetra's cabin!  
  
All: NO!  
  
Link: WAAAAAAAAAAH! starts to throw tantrum with yelling and crying and hitting of the deck  
  
Gonzo: Jeez, what a baby!  
  
Sideburns: Shut up, youse! drops barrel on Link  
  
Link: Hey, this barrel's full of yummy yummy mushrooms! munch munch  
  
All: NOOOOOOOO!  
  
Link: What? It's just shitake mushrooms! Besides, Tetra kicked us all out before I could finish eating.  
  
-Inside Tetra's deluxe cabin  
  
Tetra: vigorously cleansing herself Eugh, I've got stupid all over me! Wait... I've got steel wool in here somewhere...  
  
-The next morning  
  
Tetra: all red and sore n stuff Hoist the sails, meat puppets!  
  
Link: Boo-boo kitty, what's wrong with your skin?  
  
Tetra: glowing eyes WHAT did you just call me?  
  
Link: Jeez La-WEEZ, take it easy! I only said it on a bet!  
  
Nudge: He's still breathing.  
  
Mako: Pay up!  
  
Niko & Gonzo: Aww...  
  
Link: Of course, since we _are_ going steady now, I _should_ have a nick name for you. And vice versa.  
  
Tetra: WE PASSED OUT IN A BUCKET!!  
  
Gonzo: Barrel, Miss.  
  
Tetra: Oh, thank you. deep breath WE PASSED OUT IN A BARREL!!! THAT _HARDLY_ COUNTS AS ANYTHING!!!!!!!!  
  
Link: ...We slept together. Like a sleepover! Yay sleepovers!  
  
Niko: Yay!  
  
Link: Shut the hell up!  
  
Tetra: No, _you_ shut up!  
  
Link: _You_ shut up!  
  
Tetra: I'm the Captain, _you_ shut up!  
  
Link: Stupid-head!  
  
Tetra: Dummy!  
  
LInk: Nong-nong!  
  
Tetra: Butt-face!  
  
Link: Fart-sniffer!  
  
Tetra: Poo-brain!  
  
Link: Pee-head!  
  
Tetra: Butt-breath!  
  
Link: Ass-biting butt!  
  
Tetra: Fish slapper!  
  
Link: Pig-kisser!  
  
Gonzo: watching intently  
  
other crewmen: likewise  
  
Nudge: When d'you suppose they'll stop?  
  
Gonzo: I've seen this kind of thing before. It'll last until one of them says too long of an insult and can't breathe any more. Or until they make out. Vigorously.  
  
Mako: holding an abacus According to my calculations, that won't happen, but they'll both...  
  
Link & Tetra: simultaneously Pig-sniffing butt-licking booger-eating poop-flinging chicken-choking cactus-humping...  
  
Mr. Cactus: I say!  
  
Link & Tetra: still simultaneous ...bat-slapping egg-beating cotton-picking corn-husking shoplifting incense-burni gasp gasp choke fall over clutching their throats  
  
Mako: ...do that.  
  
Nudge: Aww damn, I was hoping for just two more words!!  
  
Niko: Yeah, well, they crapped out. Pay up!  
  
Nudge: kicks Niko overboard Whoops... butterfingers.  
  
Niko: You _kicked_ me! splash  
  
Nudge: Well, then... um... butter_toes_. There.  
  
-Tune in again! Review or I'll swallow your soul!


	10. I like pie!

We own Mr. Cactus and Mungo and this story. All rights reserved to their respective companies n all that jibba-jabba.  
  
Tetra: walks past Link, purposely ignoring him Where's that powder monkey?! Tell that stupid rat to get down to the artillery now! We're approaching a ship!  
  
Link: I'm right here!  
  
Tetra: You'd best find him soon, or I'll tear his...  
  
Gonzo: Yes, miss Tetra. I'll go fetch him now.  
  
Tetra: Good. leaves  
  
Link: What the hell was that?  
  
Gonzo: You'd best get down there, before she stops pretending she can't see you.  
  
Link: Yipe! runs down to cannons  
  
-On deck  
  
Tetra: yells to other ship Ahoy there!  
  
Other ship dude: Ahoy! What is it you want?  
  
Tetra: Surrender your treasure and cargo, or we'll make you blow up **real good**!  
  
Other ship dude: Uh... I'll have to think about that. How's tomorrow sound?  
  
Tetra: Oh sure, that's... HEY! yells into tube OPEN FIRE!  
  
-Below deck  
  
Tube: OPEN FIRE!  
  
Link: stuffs cannon in record time lights fuse  
  
Cannon: Blam!  
  
Link: reloads  
  
-Much later  
  
Nudge: Jeez, Link, what was up with you? You were all like, _zoom!_ And the cannon was all like, BLAM BLAM BLAM! And they were all like, makes hand motions of shit blowin' the crap up AUGH! WHAU-GAGHBLE! AAAH, HELP! OH GOD MY LEG! MY LEEEEEGG!!! CAPTAIN, WE'RE SINKING! OH GOD WE'RE GONNA DIE!!! DAMN THAT CANNON KID'S FAST!! OH NOES!! MY LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEGGGG!!!!!!  
  
Link: ...Dude, what's _wrong_ with you? Besides, I just ran it like I normally would.  
  
Tetra: comes below deck Okay, who was assigned to cannon 4 today? Whoever it was is getting a bonus. And a promotion.  
  
Mr. Cactus: hands assignment list to Tetra  
  
Tetra: reads list Cha, you know what? high-pitched Uh-uh.  
  
Link: Hey!  
  
Tetra: Oh, fine. flips a coin to Link Sorry, but you can't be promoted anymore. You're already first mate.  
  
Link: Oh, come on! Just one coin?  
  
Tetra: What'll you do for another?  
  
Link: ...  
  
Tetra: Well? Can't think of anything?  
  
Link: ...I'll be your best frie-eend!  
  
Tetra: _My_ best friend is _money,_ and there's no way you can be a better friend than my money.  
  
Mako: Money doesn't make a good friend, it just sits there doing nothing.  
  
Gonzo: Yeah. And every time you buy something new, it leaves you.  
  
Tetra: ...Fine... flips over another coin Go get me a popsicle.  
  
Link: Huh?  
  
Belzon: in a director's chair, wearing a headset and yelling Cut, cut, cut! Tetra, popsicles haven't been invented yet. Stick to the script.  
  
Tetra: holds up script Every page is blank. You're too damn lazy to write a script, and you know it!  
  
Orpus, the script writer: sleeping on couch snores  
  
Belzon: Somebody get a bucket. Action!  
  
Tetra: Fine. flips over a coin Go get me some pie.  
  
Link: What kind?  
  
Tetra: Rare Purple Mountain berry, made from the rarest berries known in existence.  
  
Link: What?! But those are the rarest, most difficult to harvest berries in the known world! How am I supposed to get _those?!_  
  
Tetra: Oh gee, it looks like I have an open slot for best friend.  
  
Link: Fine, I'll get you your damned berries! But I'll want something in return!  
  
Gonzo: We'll have to change course to head for Mountain island, home of the dreaded Murderhorn: the Mountain that Kills. That's the only place to find them.  
  
Link: Whaddaya mean Murderhorn?! We're going to _Purple_ Mountain.  
  
Mako: No, Link, they're called Purple Mountain berries because they're purple and they grow on a mountain.  
  
Link: Then why is the name capitalized?  
  
Mako: The first book to ever list them had a misprint, and everybody's just too lazy to change it.  
  
Link: ...Oh...  
  
-Later, at the Murderhorn...  
  
Link: That's a tall mountain.  
  
Tetra: Hope ya don't die, you've not paid back in full yet!  
  
-At the mountain  
  
Link: Say, what's this?  
  
Sign: Convenient ladder to the top of the mountain CLOSED DUE TO MISSING STEP AT THE VERY BOTTOM!  
  
Link: Wow. looks at ladder I guess I'll have to go up the long way... hey, wait! sees conveniently placed box in conveniently placed little box depression what leads straight to the base of said ladder Wow! How lucky can one guy get?  
  
-After an hour of climbing  
  
Link: pant wheeze pant Oh god my heart is about to explode. Dear sweet heavenly beings, take me now and end this misery... Hey, a sign!  
  
Sign: Congratulations! You've made it a quarter of the way to the top!  
  
Link: sob  
  
-3 more hours  
  
Link: Finally! gasp The top! gasp Damn, the gasp air's thin! gasp Hey, berries! gasp Wait, what's gasp that? It's gasp a liftable gasp rock! tosses rock Hey, gasp a cave! enters cave  
  
Great Fairy: sitting in chair, wearing goo and cucumber on her face and talking on phone Oh yeah, I tried that very same recipe, but i got a _totally_ different result... notices Link Oh, just a minute... poofs to normal Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! I will help you! Here, take this mask! It will help you breathe the thin mountain air! And here, have this purple berry pie! I don't want it anymore!  
  
Link: dons mask Hey, sweet! Does it work underwater?  
  
Great Fairy: Hm... that's a good question! Now go away! pushes Link out  
  
Link: outside Hey, a fireman pole! slides down Weeeeee!  
  
-Two hours later, bottom of the mountain  
  
Link: steps away from pole I'll never slide down a pole ever again... OW!... Jeez, I'm chafed in places that didn't even _touch_ the pole!... Hey, a lotion Chuchu! kills Chuchu and uses softening, moisturizing Chu goo Ahhhhh.......  
  
-Morning on the ship  
  
Tetra: YAAAAY! Pie pie pie pie pie pie pie pie pie pie! tastes pie Hm... this pie sucks! throws pie at Link  
  
Link: scrapes pie off face Well, using the heat generated by sliding down that pole and many ingredients I picked on the way down and these berries, I made a _good_ pie! hands pie to Tetra  
  
Tetra: tastes pie Mmm. eats more Mmm! scarfs pie MMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!  
  
Link: ...Hey, save some for me, will ya?  
  
Tetra: MINE!! runs away and hides to finish the pie in secret  
  
-later on...  
  
Nudge: playing a card game with Gonzo, Mako, & Niko Where's Tetra?  
  
Gonzo: Who cares. Ah-ha! Gin! slaps cards on floor  
  
Mako: Dude, we're playing Old Maid.  
  
Gonzo: Oh. looks at cards a second time and sees the Old Maid Damn it!  
  
Nudge: Ha ha, you lose! Off with the belt!  
  
Tetra: walks in What the... hey! What have I said about playing Strip Old Maid?! Quit that, it's indecent!  
  
Niko: scurries away covering himself hides under a barrel  
  
Link: wakes up from a nap Hey! Whose clothes are lying all over the floor?!  
  
Gonzo: puttin' his shirt back on Those'd be Niko's.  
  
Link: Well, they're mine now! grabs clothes  
  
Nudge: Dude, what'll _you_ do with them? You only wear that one outfit. Ever.  
  
Link: We ALL do that.  
  
Niko: stands up wearing a barrel Not me! I'm goin' NEKKID!  
  
Tetra: Put on some clothes or you'll go where they don't need clothes. To HELL!!!  
  
Niko: ...I'M NEKKID!  
  
Tetra: shoots Niko with a cannon Die, filthbucket!  
  
Link: doing his happy jumping dance Hooray! Explosions!  
  
Tetra: aims cannon at Link  
  
Link: stops in mid-air Oh noes, cannonballs! leaps behind Nudge  
  
Nudge: gets hit by cannonball Blarg! I am dead! falls into bits  
  
Tetra: Stick him and Niko in the freezer until we find some fairies.  
  
sideburn pirate: Aye, aye. gathers up the chunklets  
  
-later, after they found Link had been hoarding fairies...  
  
Link: very beaten up pushes chunks together, dumps a fairy on the pile  
  
Nikonudge: Gleargh!  
  
all: AAAAAAAAHH!!  
  
small misshapen head: K-kill... me...  
  
Link: With gusto! draws sword  
  
-later...  
  
Tetra: covered in blood Ew. AWESOME!!!  
  
crew: likewise Cool!  
  
-Tune in next time! Review!


	11. Flying Cupcakes 'n Naughty Pictures

All rights reserved, no characters owned cept the cactus and Mungo. Blah.  
  
-Link, not having slept in days, is slowly nearing his goal in the freezer  
  
Link: sorting chunks from a master pile into two different piles The pile is so small now... I think this is Niko... this is Nudge... Nudge... Niko... Nudge...  
  
Flying cupcake: spits tobacco over Link's head Hey, kid, why're ya takin' orders from that girl?  
  
Link: Because I owe her.  
  
Mr. Cupcake: But who says you owe her anything?  
  
Link: She does.  
  
Mr. Cupcake: spits And who else? Way I see it, you've _done_ your part. _She's_ the one who owes _you._  
  
Link: Hey, you know what? You're right! I'm bigger than her, too! She can't boss me around like that!  
  
Mr. Cupcake: That's right, kid! Go beat her up!  
  
Link: YEAH! ...Wait, that'd be mean.  
  
Mr. Cupcake: But she's been mean to you!  
  
Link: Oh yeah. continues sorting piles  
  
Mr. Cupcake: Hey, I said go beat her up!  
  
Link: But I'm not done yet.  
  
Mr. Cupcake: spits Don't you worry about that... I'll take care of it.  
  
Link: Yay! Thanks, chum!  
  
Mr. Cupcake: DON'T CALL ME THAT!  
  
Link: Jeez, sorry!  
  
-On deck  
  
Tetra: shouting out orders  
  
Link: emerges HISSSS! eyes adjust Hey, where's Tetra?  
  
Mako: Up there... JEEZ-ASS, LINK! You look like you haven't slept in days!  
  
Link: I haven't. I could start carrying rupees in the bags under my eyes. goes up behind Tetra and smacks the back of her head  
  
Tetra: Hey, what was that for?!  
  
Link: I don't owe you no nothin'!  
  
Tetra: Huh?  
  
Link: hits Tetra  
  
Tetra: aghast Your grandma always said never to hit girls right?  
  
Link: Yeah?  
  
Tetra: Ever ask her why?  
  
Link: No, why?  
  
Tetra: smashes Link through a pile of bricks Because girls hit a lot harder.  
  
-Several hours later...  
  
Link: wakes up yawn Oh man, what just happened?  
  
Gonzo: You hit Tetra and she, uh...  
  
Senza: ...Smashed your head.  
  
Link: Really? Say, could one a' you do that again? That was the best sleep I had in weeks.  
  
Mako: Actually, it wasn't so much as it was near coma.  
  
Link: ...Well it was the best I had in weeks, and I'll give you twenty rupees to do it again.  
  
Gonzo & Senza: simultaneously Sweet! grab big hammers  
  
Mako: Stop! Doing that again could kill him!  
  
Niko & Nudge: walk into the room like zombies Ugh...  
  
Gonzo: Oh, _there_ you guys are. What the hell have you two been doing?  
  
Niko: steals Mako's glasses  
  
Nudge: drops bricks on Gonzo's head  
  
Link: Hey, why'd you do that?  
  
Mr. Cupcake: I convinced them to help you. spits Now, my minions, get the rest of the crew out of our way!  
  
Link: Hey, I don't wanna hit Tetra no more. Why do you wanna do it anyway, chum?  
  
Mr. Cupcake: I SAID DON'T CALL ME THAT!  
  
Link: I don't like you no more! runs above deck Tetra! Tetra!  
  
Tetra: What? What?  
  
Link: There's a evil tobacco-spitting flying cupcake what wants me to beat you up a lot!  
  
Tetra: I know.  
  
Link: And... you do?  
  
Tetra: I went to have my fortune told today, and they told me all about it.  
  
Link: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You believe in that poo?  
  
Tetra: I've got a book full of you in the same place.  
  
Link: Yeah? Well, uh... shut up.  
  
-The next morning  
  
Link: on his belly under a bush So you're sure it's in there? And why are you laying on me like I'm a beach towel?  
  
Tetra: laying on Link like he's a beach towel Yes, my magic map says that's the cupcake's HQ. And I don't want to get dirty.  
  
Link: You realize people might take pictures of this, right?  
  
-elsewhere...  
  
Lenzo: Oh, that's so adorable. I'll take a picture and show my honey.  
  
-back under the bush...  
  
Tetra: So? I have the perfect idea to get in there, and once we get through with that cupcake, nobody'll want to bad-mouth me!  
  
Link: Whatever. sneaks into the cupcake's HQ  
  
-inside...  
  
Tetra: This place seems familiar...  
  
Link: It's Zunari's house?!  
  
Tetra: How do _you_ know?  
  
Link: Look in the closet. shows Tetra a closet full of blue parkas  
  
Tetra: It _is_ his house! Ooh, when I get through with that little...  
  
Zunari: So I see you have found me.  
  
Tetra: You dirty little... unsheathes axpoon  
  
Zunari: I wouldn't suggest **that**! Since last we met I have become more powerful than you could possibly imagine!  
  
disembodied voice: Kill them! Kill them!  
  
Zunari: In a moment, master. Let us toy with them first before we do **that**.  
  
master: Yes, a splendid idea! Kooloo-limpah!  
  
Link: YOU!! draws sword and looks around But you got eated by that shark!  
  
Tingle: Yes, but not _killed_. Nothing can kill me! Turn around.  
  
Link: turns around  
  
Tingle: No, not _you!!_  
  
Zunari: Oh, right. **That**. turns around and takes off his hood  
  
-As Zunari lowers his hood, Link and Tetra are overcome in horror as they discover Tingle's face on the back of Zunari's head, somewhat like what's-his-nuts in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (which we don't own).  
  
Tingle: Mr. Fairy! Tetra! Good to see you again! Kooloo-limpah!  
  
Tetra: behind Link, clutching his shoulders and looking away Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew!  
  
Link: That is soooooo nasty! throws sword through Tingle's face  
  
Tingle: EEEEEEEEEEEEH MY FACE! IT'S BUSTED!  
  
Zunari: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEH MY BRAIN! IT'S SCRAMBLED!  
  
Link: EEEEEEEEEEH MY EARS! THEY'RE BLEEDING!  
  
Tetra: holding her foot EEEEEEEEEEEEH MY TOE! IT'S STUBBED!  
  
Lenzo: taking pictures of the whole thing lens breaks EEEEEEEEEH MY LENS! IT'S BROKEN!  
  
Person outside: EEEEEEEEEEEEH MY CAT! IT'S STUCK!  
  
Cat in tree: MEEEEEEEEEEEEEOW! MEOW MREW MEW!  
  
-Later, back on the ship  
  
Link: Hey, cool! Snow thingies!  
  
Tetra: sees Rito in sky dropping flyers That's not snow.  
  
Flyer: blows in on wind  
  
Tetra: OH MY GOD THEY SAW ME LAYING ON YOU LIKE THAT AND TOOK IT THE WRONG WAY!  
  
Link: What's wrong?  
  
Tetra: shows Link the picture  
  
Link: So? It's not like there's any more copies.  
  
Hundreds of copies what fall on Link in a pile: BLAM!  
  
Link: Help! Help help! Help! HEEEEELP!  
  
Tetra: They're heading for every island in the known world!  
  
-To be continued!


	12. Splittin' Wigs and Lightin' Farts

All rights reserved to their respective owners.  
  
-And now, the continuation of the last chapter  
  
Link: under a heaping... um... heap of fliers So what? pulls out It's not like anyone really cares.  
  
Chart-painting fish man: looks at flier OH MY GOD! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I KNEW THEY WERE UP TO SOMETHING!  
  
Link: Okay, nobody important really cares.  
  
-Dragon Roost Island  
  
Valoo: dons giant reading glasses reads laughs  
  
-In heaven  
  
Tetra's mom: sees flier Oh my.  
  
-Deku tree place  
  
Deku Tree: Oh, isn't that nice?  
  
-Outset  
  
Lenzo: Honey, I'm home!  
  
Laugh track: ha ha ha  
  
Granny: Oh, hello, dear! Say, what's that?  
  
Lenzo: My latest picto! shows granny  
  
Granny: Oh, isn't that just the cutest little thing? Link has himself a girly-friend!  
  
Aryll: Tee hee! teasing-like Link has a girlfriend! Link has a girlfriend!  
  
-On the ship  
  
Tetra: You were saying?  
  
Link: looks up Well, okay, maybe the gods care, but it's not like any _real_ people care.  
  
Tetra: No you buffoon, the text! READ THE TEXT!  
  
Link: reads OH SNAP!  
  
Gonzo: sees flier Oh, that's adorable! grabs fliers to pass out to rest of crew  
  
Tetra: YOU PUT THOSE BACK THIS INSTANT! THAT'S AN ORDER!  
  
Gonzo: below deck Hey guys, look at this!  
  
Crew: Awwwwww!  
  
Tetra: I'm _soooo_ going to kill something for this...  
  
Link: Oh. backs away slowly  
  
-elsewhere...  
  
Ganondorf: walks out to get the paper in his skiffies (the sick bastard) What's eh? reads flier Aww, weww isn't that the cutest wittle thing... BWAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
-again, back at the ship...  
  
Tetra: stabbing Gonzo I _told_ you to put those back!!!  
  
Gonzo: I'm sorry, Miss Tetra! Please, quit stabbing me!  
  
Niko: with printing press, secretly publishing photo into his own independent newspaper This just made front page!  
  
Tetra: Give me that! snatches a paper reads front page  
  
front page: above photo Miss Tetra the Pirate: Girlfriend or Slave Driver?  
  
Tetra: You son of a bitch!! stabs Niko thru head  
  
Niko: last desperate effort of a dying beaver tosses big bag of newspapers to Rito postman conveniently flying past porthole at that very moment Deliver... them! Echhh...  
  
Tetra: NOOOOO!!!  
  
Link: Jeez, what's the big deal? All we have to do is find something more shocking, publish _that_, and everyone'll forget all about this.  
  
Tetra: grabs Link's shoulders, shakes him violently There _is_ nothing more shocking, you twit! People LOVE to see hot, saucy relationships!  
  
Gonzo: Ah-HA! I KNEW you were going behind our backs!  
  
Tetra: throws axpoon through Gonzo's head  
  
Gonzo: Blarg! I am dead! dies  
  
Nudge: enters room Hey, whassup?  
  
Tetra: kills Nudge  
  
Nudge: Oh. Bogus, man. dies  
  
Link: Holy crap, Tetra! Quit it! You're killing the whole crew!  
  
Tetra: Do we have any of those blackmail photos left?  
  
Mako: Um... yeah, but... just one.  
  
Tetra: Fork it over. receives photo, looks at it OH GOD! turns her head away and vomits  
  
Link: Oh gross, right on the rug!  
  
Tetra: This'll do... yes, this'll do _quite_ well.  
  
Link: looks at photo By the 3 goddesses of creation, IT'S THE THREE GODDESSES OF CREATION!!!!!  
  
Tetra: Goddesses... _GONE WILD!_... I love it!  
  
Link: Is... is that what girls look like?  
  
Tetra: Yes. Yes it is.  
  
Link: staring at Tetra (not at her face, yo)  
  
Tetra: Hey! Eyes up here, Link!  
  
Link: looks at picture Hey, there's another stuck to the back! peels two apart Oh spew! Din's picking her nose!  
  
Tetra: looks Farore's farting, and Nayru's lighting it! Gross!  
  
Mako: I don't think...  
  
Link: Well, duh! **I** do the thinking round here!  
  
All: look at Link, shake heads  
  
Link: Phooey.  
  
-The very next day  
  
Tetra: bags under her eyes at Niko's press Okay, that's the last one.  
  
Link: ditto, but with many many papercuts Hooray... falls over  
  
Mako: not tired in the least You know, you two are growing and need your rest...  
  
Link & Tetra: glare at Mako  
  
Mako: scared ...but who am I, your mom? CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!... oh wait, they're asleep.  
  
-Later, Tetra's cabin  
  
Tetra: wakes up rolls over sees Link screams  
  
Link: wakes up sees Tetra screams  
  
Tetra: WHAT'RE YOU DOING IN MY BED?!  
  
Link: WHAT'RE YOU DOING IN MY BARREL-oh wait, you're right.  
  
Tetra: with the flaming word floating above her head GET!!!! OUT!!!!!!!!  
  
Link: EEYAAAAAAGH!!! runs away real quick-like  
  
Mako: Hey, Link. What's up?  
  
Link: Why was I in her bed?!  
  
Mako: Oh, well, you see, Mungo saw the picture and put you both in there because he thought it would look cute.  
  
Link: ...I'm going to start hurting you now, but just to let you know, I'm not sure when–or if–I'm going to stop. proceeds  
  
Tetra: Cut that shit out! We need to distribute these papers, _fast!_ Set a course for Dragon Roost!  
  
Link: We're already there.  
  
Mako: Yeah, I already gave them the newspapers to be delivered. The postmen in charge of distributing them should be getting back just now.  
  
postmaster: comes aboard I have to say, this is possibly the most horrifying thing we've ever delivered, and as such, there's a little thing called a severance fee in order...  
  
Tetra: I don't know what severance is, but I understand the word fee. stab We ain't payin' you dirty birds no goddamn rupee, you hear me?!  
  
Link: Ow! You stabbed me!  
  
Tetra: Oh, right. Sorry. stabs postmaster  
  
postmaster: Ow, my liver!  
  
-meanwhile, on Windfall...  
  
random guy: reads headline Goddesses Gone Wild... hm. sees pictures Oh, yeah, me likey! sees next picture OH GOD! barfs, falls over dead   
  
-on Outset...  
  
Granny: sees pictures Oh my, how shameful!  
  
Aryll: sees pictures Ooh, they're bad!... Hey, Gramma?  
  
Granny: Yes?  
  
Aryll: Um... when will I look like that?  
  
-elsewhere...  
  
fairy queen: the creepy bastard Oh looky, a paper! sees pictures HOLY SHIT!!!... Gee, when will _I_ look like that?  
  
-on the Forsaken Fortress...  
  
Ganondorf: doing the Macarena, like the sick, evil bastard that he is HEEY, MACARENA! Hey, a paper. sees picture WOW!! sees next picture UGH!!  
  
-To be continued!!


	13. It's the Woman's Touch!

DISCLAIMER: Orpus and Belzon don't own any of the characters in the following passage, with the exception of Mr Cactus, the Flying Cupcake, and Mungo. Histrionic Hyphen-Girl, on the other hand, owns the world. But what's that you say? Nobody OWNS the world? Well, I have a message for you, hippie—I BATHE! AND EAT MEAT! SO THERE!!! Also, I am a higher-level hippie.  
  
NUDGE: Ahh. I can tell today will be another boring day!  
  
NIKO: .....You know, you said that yesterday, just before the meteor full of pink cat slime hit the boat.  
  
NUDGE: ...It wasn't cat slime, you fool, it was....uh..bear pies..I think.. BUT MY INTUITION IS RIGHT FIVE TIMES OUT OF A HUNDRED!  
  
LINK: does math You mean one in twenty times?  
  
NUDGE: ....well, I thought bigger numbers would be more impressive.  
  
KIWI: lands on deck  
  
ALL: o.o  
  
KIWI: is a kiwi  
  
MUNGO: Burrdeee!! Chickin! We're a-havin' chickin tonaight!! reaches for kiwi  
  
KIWI: runs him through with beak  
  
MUNGO: huh? thirty seconds pass OWWWW!!  
  
MR CACTUS: I say, there does appear to be a floating object straight ahead with a trajectory in this dyrection.  
  
MUNGO: Hyuh hyuh hyuh! Mistour Plantactatus talks funny!  
  
TETRA: Shoot it! Powder monkey, get to the cannons!  
  
LINK: Uh, don't you think maybe we should—  
  
TETRA: I'M the captain, dammit!  
  
BARON HARKONNEN: gets shot EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!  
  
PIRATES: Hey, wow, that was an impressive . Maybe we should have him coach us!  
  
TETRA: HELL NO! FIRE AGAIN!  
  
CANNON: boom  
  
BENDER: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.... pluff  
  
BARON HARKONNEN: What the—!? There's a shiny robot stuck in my arse!  
  
BENDER: muffled DEAR GOD, SOMEBODY KILL ME NOW!!  
  
TETRA'S CELLPHONE: rings with Powerpuff Girls theme  
  
PIRATES: ..... oO  
  
TETRA: growls YOU HEARD NOTHING!! answers cellphone  
  
MYSTERIOUS YET COMMANDING VOICE: Captain Tetra McPyrate, you are to return to Pirate HeadQuarters immediately. This is an order.  
  
TETRA: Well, we can do that, but—Heyyy...waitaminnit! There are no Pirate Headquarters!  
  
MYSTERIOUS YET COMMANDING VOICE: I don't think you have an option, Captain McPyrate. You see, I have tracked down someone very close to you.  
  
TETRA: goes pale Oh Goddesses...you don't mean...  
  
MYCV: That's right, Captain McPyrate. And if you don't show up on Windspider Island within twelve hours.... squeaking noises  
  
TETRA: GODDESSES, NO!! MR. FLUFFLEKINS!!!  
  
PIRATES: only hearing half of the conversation Whaa???  
  
LINK: Mr. Flufflekins? Is that some kind of—  
  
MAKO: pokes Link I think that means you.  
  
TETRA: Grrrrr... turns off cellphone Come on. We're sailing for Windspider Island.  
  
LINK: Oh Goddess! Not..._Windspider Island_!!  
  
NIKO: What? What's so bad about Windspider Island?  
  
LINK: Actually, I have no clue. I've never heard of the place.  
  
MAKO: It's a lame name, too.  
  
GONZO: I've honestly, truly never heard of that place. How the hell will we know where it is?  
  
LINK: Don't worry, we'll go to the little highlighted space on my map. See?  
  
GONZO: Say, that's kinda weird.  
  
TETRA: Bring in the artillery and hoist the sails.  
  
NUDGE: hauls in Bender and Baron Harkonnen  
  
TETRA: .......................  
  
NUDGE: Sorry, boss. The robot done got stuck waaay up in the lard-ass's ass.  
  
BARON HARKONNEN: ?! I resemble that remark!!  
  
_Hours later..._  
  
TETRA: Okay, we're here at Windspider Island.  
  
LINK: Er, no we're not. This is just the petrol station adjacent to it.  
  
TETRA: .................Shut up.  
  
GONZO: The Horror of Windspider Island!  
  
NUDGE: The Giant Windspider Invasion of SAVINGS at Menards!  
  
GONZO: ...Mine was better.  
  
NUDGE: Nuh-UH!  
  
_After nearly an hour of wandering around the island..._  
  
LINK: Are you SURE there's a pirate headquarters here?  
  
TETRA: No. In fact, I'm pretty sure there's NO pirate headquarters. Anywhere. Even so—  
  
HOODED FIGURE: appears with a _poit_ Ah, you've arrived. Follow me.  
  
ALL: o.O¿ but follow  
  
They enter a straw-roofed hut made of the bones of telemarketers and door-to-door Jehovah's Witness missionaries. The Hooded Figure gestures at a row of chairs.  
  
TETRA: sits  
  
OTHERS: begin to sit  
  
TETRA: slaps them in a row, like Mom in _Futurama_ does to her idiot sons Only I get to sit!  
  
LINK: (Ooh, a girl touched me. Either she gave me cooties or she likes me...)  
  
WINDSPIDER: runs through the room  
  
MUNGO: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHH!! jumps into Link's arms  
  
LINK: collapses  
  
TETRA: AAAH! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! —MUNGO, WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY SECOND FIRST MATE!?!  
  
HOODED FIGURE: reveals itself to be the Mysterious Yet Commanding Voice Ah, yes. That's Fido. He's a camel spider. windspider crawls up his arm and gives him a kiss  
  
MUNGO: I dunn' like sp-sp-spidurz....  
  
LINK: muffled MMHFHMFHFHMHFFFUHHHF!!!  
  
TETRA: clears throat Anyway, sir, why have you called us here? gives him a look And where is...?!  
  
MYCV: Ah, yes. Your stuffed hamster is perfectly safe. tosses her a round fluffy object  
  
TETRA: catches MR. FLUFFLEKINS!!! OH, I MISSED YOU SO MUCH! kiss kiss You'we a vewy naughty boy, you know that? kiss kiss Wunning away fwom your mommy like that!!  
  
PIRATES: ....°o° (—mouths hanging open)  
  
TETRA: glares around the room He's a miniaturised Giant Space Hamster. They're very hard to come by!!  
  
MYCV: steeples fingers in an ominous manner Now, Captain McPyrate, I think it's time to get down to business. We've called you here because—  
  
SENZA: snickers McPyrate? Your last name is...McPyrate? snorts  
  
TETRA: sends him an evil glare My great-grandfather is from Scotland, okay?  
  
LINK: pops head out From a whozawhat now?  
  
TETRA: Besides, at least my last name isn't as stupid as yours!  
  
MAKO: Yeah, Manhosier!  
  
LINK: ...wait... Senza's full name is Senza Manhosier'?  
  
MUNGO: Send the man-hoes here?' Ha ha! points  
  
SENZA: runs out of the room crying  
  
MYCV: tries to look impassive and not confused We've brought you here, Captain McPyrate, because you've been reassigned. A new captain recently joined the Pirates' Guild, and he's been itching to try out a ship of his own.  
  
TETRA: scowls ......How much did he pay you?  
  
MYCV: What? That—that's none of your business. And for your information, he didn't pay me. In money, anyway.  
  
TETRA: Oh, my bad. How much HEAD did he give you?!  
  
MYCV: sputters almost loses composure for a second You're trying my patience, young woman. hits button on desk Miss Potsdam, send in the new guy.  
  
MISS POTSDAM OVER SPEAKER: in an obviously-fake Brooklyn accent Right away, Mr McButterpants.  
  
MYCV: giku!  
  
TETRA: points Ha ha! _Your_ last name is McButterpants! What's your first name? Fatty?!  
  
MYCV: sputters Now we're DEFINITELY going to replace you!  
  
Suddenly, there is a knock on the door. It opens smoothly to reveal a blonde man, somewhat middling in age but more aging in the middle, who clasps his hands behind his back after smoothing down his velour tunic.  
  
NEW GUY: Ah, so this is my crew. Good work, Mr. McButterpants. You may leave with honour. Kiff, engage Standard First Meeting Procedure Z-05.  
  
SMALL GREEN GUY NEXT TO HIM: sighs  
  
HHG: I'm going to go take a nap. Orpus and Belzon will add to the writing after these messages!  
  
insert Grandma Matoya's Toadhouse Cookies commercial  
  
LINK: after commercial Yay! Cookies!  
  
KIFF: disgusted The fatso wants you all to sit down.  
  
ALL: sit  
  
TETRA: Link?  
  
LINK: A-yeeeeees?  
  
TETRA: Get off my lap before I nullify your existence.  
  
LINK: Eep! switches positions  
  
TETRA: now on Link How... did you do that?  
  
LINK: like Mr. Bean Magic! snorty laugh  
  
TETRA: gets off Link and throws chair out window  
  
LINK: AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ding  
  
LINK: respawns on floaty platform thing What the wizz!?!  
  
KIRBY: eats Tetra, gets Tetra wig Cool! What power did I get?  
  
LINK: Well, if I know Tetra (Aside: And I _DO_ know Tetra eyebrows), you can yell at people really really hard now.  
  
KIRBY: Wheeeeeeee! runs off  
  
TETRA: Was I just eaten by a fluffy pink marshmallow spud?  
  
LINK: Yep!  
  
CAPT. BRANNIGAN: Ah, it's good to see you're all here. Keep in mind, I ask only the complete loyalty of my men... if that's met, then I don't care if you sit around all day, drinking beer in your underpants.  
  
CREW: yaaaay  
  
—Later, on the boat...  
  
LINK: hears Brannigan say something Hey, he's stupider than me! _ME!_  
  
TETRA: I know. HOW THE HELL CAN HE BE A CAPTAIN?!?  
  
LINK: I dunno. How the hell can I be the Hero of Time?  
  
TETRA: Shut up. Something must be done...  
  
—And now, someone else's turn to write!  
  
CAPT. BRANNIGAN: Ah, my loyal crew!  
  
RANDOM PIRATE: You suck!  
  
CAPT. BRANNIGAN: Alright, crew, I'm going to say something that you might not like to hear, but I must say it, no matter how much it hurts me on the inside...  
  
TETRA: Get on with it, you disgusting fat slob!  
  
CAPT. BRANNIGAN: I'll assume that by disgusting fat slob, you're referring to Kif here. Now, crew, it saddens me to tell you this, but according to new pirate regulations, I'm afraid that you will no longer earn a percent of any treasure that we capture. No, instead, I will have to hoard it away for myself, as much as I hate to say. But, my loyal crew, I'm sure that... catches a tomato in the face  
  
CREW: MUTINY!!!!!!!!  
  
one mutiny later...  
  
TETRA: to Kif, who is sitting in a rowboat Go back to Windspider island and tell that goon that he's not the boss of us.  
  
KIFF: whose boat carries a tied and gagged Brannigan Aye, aye, sir. rows away  
  
LINK: Hooray! We're independent again!  
  
GONZO: dancing like a idjit Hoo! Haa! Hoo! Haa!  
  
NIKO: slips and falls Ow! My brittle impure beaver hip!  
  
TETRA: Shut up and deal with it. Okay! We're sailing for Windspider Island!  
  
ALL: WHAAAA?!  
  
NUDGE: B-but Miss Tetra, we just _left_ there. Not to mention that we never want to go there again...  
  
TETRA: Shaddap! We're going to bombard that little turd's house for hamsternapping Mr. Flu... I mean, for thinking he's our boss and ordering us around! secretly hugs Mr. Flufflekins Mama loves you.  
  
LINK: You _do?_ Hot diggity dog damn, I done gots me a lady-friend! WEEDAWGIE!!!  
  
TETRA: smashes Link SHUT UP, I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU!!  
  
MAKO: Miss Tetra, we should be arriving at Windspider Island within minutes.  
  
TETRA: Really?! Wow, that's quick!  
  
MAKO: Well, not really. Although it is affected by the helluva fast property of this boat, we really only left Windspider Island about half an hour ago.  
  
TETRA: Really?  
  
SENZA: It felt like weeks!  
  
NUDGE: Stupidity has that effect. Ever listen to one of your own stories?  
  
SENZA: ...Huh?  
  
NIKO: Ooh, he just called you stupid!  
  
NUDGE: Nuh-uh, I _implied_ that he is stupid.  
  
NIKO: Whatever.  
  
LINK: Uh, I think there might be a problem, guys..  
  
TETRA: What is it?!  
  
LINK: points  
  
The pirates look. A large net composed of reeds, rope, and Ron Popeil's Spray-On Hair has been woven around Windspider Island.  
  
MYCV, OVER A LOUDSPEAKER: Ah, yes. I thought you'd be returning, Miss McPyrate. That's why I hired on some extra security for my little island in the sun.  
  
STRANGE VOICE OVER LOUDSPEAKER: I AM KRUG! SCOURGE OF THE UNDERWORLD AND MASTER OF UNPLEASANT THINGS! BOW TO ME OR FACE MY WRATH!  
  
ALL: o.O¿¿¿  
  
NUDGE: Aww, come on, guys! He wouldn't be so tough if it weren't for all that power!  
  
TETRA: Full speed ahead!  
  
They get caught in the net. What a surprise.  
  
TETRA: %##¤¶!!  
  
NIKO: Wow, I'll have to write that one down. pulls out a notepad and a quill-pen Crap. Tetra, how do you spell ?  
  
TETRA: $½Å YOU!  
  
BARON HARKONNEN: EEEEEEEEEEEEE!  
  
NUDGE: Hey, I've got an idea!  
  
TETRA: Yes? I'm waiting.  
  
NUDGE: ..Oh, wait. Never mind. It's gone.  
  
TETRA: growls Fire Torpedo One!  
  
LINK: But Tetra, we don't HAVE a—  
  
TETRA: WE DO NOW! loads Nudge into one of the cannons and fires him at Windspider Island  
  
NUDGE: AAAAAAAAAAA bounces off Krug  
  
KRUG: IT'S A HOO-MAN WORM-BABY! KRUG WILL LOVE HIM AND HUGGLE HIM AND CALLS HIM GOERGE!  
  
MYCV: Er, don't you mean   
  
KRUG: GRRRR!!  
  
MYCV: sighs exasperatedly Fly, my pretties! Flyyy!!  
  
A CLUMP OF WINDSPIDERS: Rrrreeeeeeeee! fly over boat and drop tiny bombs, which explode on contact and release some kind of purple gas  
  
PIRATES: AAH! CHEMICAL WARFARE!! cough cough  
  
GIANT BUG HEAD SKULL THING: **_BROOOOOOGH!!_**  
  
FLYING TICKS: reeeeeeee!!  
  
COCCOS: swarm on Link  
  
LINK: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!! NOT AGAIN!!!!!  
  
TETRA: Flaming flatulence of Din! They're dropping powdered fungus!! Everyone, hold your breath! covers mouth  
  
MUNGO: forgets to breathe and passes out  
  
GONZO: Don't worry, as my strangely misshapen chest-hair curl will keep us safe! stands in a heroic pose  
  
NIKO: I thought you shaved it that way.  
  
GONZO: Heck no, it's actually a birthmark. A hairy birthmark.  
  
BARON HARKONNEN: EEEEEEEE! NOT THE EYES, PITER! NOT THE EEEEYYYYYEEEES!!!  
  
MYCV: Fire One!  
  
RAZIEL: AAAAAAAAA thunk  
  
MAKO: o.O Tetra, there's a pantsless blue guy stuck into the ship.  
  
NUDGE: OH NOES! HULL BREACH!! WE'RE SINKING!!! runs back and forth like a headless chicken Bok buk bok buk bok bok...  
  
RAZIEL: %#$¤¤... wrenches head from side of boat That's the LAST time I ask Azimuth for directions!! Bloody lying bitch...Kain's not here, he's not anywhere!! mutters incoherently  
  
SENZA: Kain? Kain Blue River??? big sparkly eyes I'll bring him here! chants a horrendously bastardised version of Tingle's magic words YEA I CALL THEE FORTH, KAIN!!  
  
There is a mighty pouf.  
  
ZEPHON: Who, me? Mahahahahahaha!  
  
HHG: smash! No, you're a _poof_, and a gitly one at that! bunts  
  
The smoke from the pouf clears, revealing a tall and very slender man with pale hair and even paler skin.  
  
KAIN: ....Oh bloody Hell...  
  
RAZIEL: points THAT'S NOT KAIN! He's—he's—white...  
  
KAIN: What's wrong with that?! It's not like I'm a Nazi or anything!  
  
RAZIEL: ....Kain is supposed to be green!  
  
KAIN: Huh? grows scales and spikes with a _poit_ This isn't green! It's bronze yellow! Who are you, anyway?!  
  
Raziel is just about to answer, but another salvo from the flying spiders sends him into a bout of coughing. Odd, that, considering the fact that he's twice-dead, has no need to breathe, and doesn't even have lungs.  
  
RAZIEL: Ohh, look at the pretty colours.... suddenly begins twitching and curls into a fetal position ELDER GOD, NO!! NOT BLOCK PUZZLES!! AAHHH! TOO....MANY....BOXES...brain..hurt... vision..tunneling....  
  
TETRA: Mr Flufflekins!! NOOO!!! watches Mr Flufflekins scamper off and become wedged in the steering wheel  
  
BADGERS: dancing Badger badger badger badger MUSHROOM MUSHROOM! badger badger badger badger...  
  
RAZIEL: twitches  
  
LINK: spazzes  
  
DEMENTOR: dements  
  
HARRY POTTER: passes out  
  
BARON HARKONNEN: EEEEEEEEEEEE!! spins around uncontrollably  
  
MYCV: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! My plan is working!!  
  
LINK: snaps out of his fungus trip long enough to cast Din's Fire  
  
NET AROUND ISLAND: catches fire and is destroyed  
  
LINK: All right! Quick, sail ahead now, out of the fungus cloud!  
  
WATER AROUND SHIP: burns  
  
LINK: ....oO That's not normal...  
  
SHIP: catches fire  
  
LINK: SHIT!  
  
TETRA: MR FLUFFLEKINS!!! yanks on Kain's serape COME BACK TO MEEEE!!  
  
KAIN: .......And Staljos has FUN visiting these alternate universes? God, some people's children.  
  
JANOS: Hey!  
  
BARON HARKONNEN: EEEEEEEE!! possesses Selas Victoria's gun  
  
LINK: Shit...shit...gotta do something...gotta do something... makes unpleasant sound It's the only thing I can think of... climbs onto railing of ship, unzips his tunic, and pisses out the flames  
  
SENZA: o.O  
  
LINK: Aaahhhh... Goddesses, that feels better.. I've been holding it in for three games now! looks around Now we just need to get to the island. looks around some more grabs Raziel and begins using him as an oar  
  
RAZIEL: WTF!? HEY! PUT ME DOWN! Just because I'm no longer destroyed by water doesn't mean you can exploit me like this! I'VE GOT MY UNION RIGHTS!!  
  
HHG: And can you believe that Histrionic Hyphen-Girl isn't British, she just plays one on TV? More after these messages of DOOM! Doom...doom...doom...doom...doom...doom...doom...doom...doom...doom...doom...doom...doom...doom... Go home now.


End file.
